Absolutely, just email me: chasersofthelight@gmail.com I mean, I'll see your email, but would never share it. Or, if you're needing completely anonymously, hmmmm...I suppose you could create an email account, and do it that way? I wish I had a better answer or knowledge on how to do completely anonymous. I always wanted this place to feel like one giant group hug of care where we're all able to be completely transparent, but I understand sometimes people aren't ready for that.
How should I feel… my own mother was one of the people I “semi-blocked” from my life years ago for her actions towards others. I blocked her on social media and told her our relationship was more than her just following what was going on in our lives via that method. In 10 years, we’d seen her twice (well 3 times now). Once shortly after returning home from rehab (9 years ago), after my son’s father became a quadriplegic and then at a Thanksgiving dinner my amazing Aunt had, now 7 years ago, to try to bring the family together… My son’s father passed away in June, just after fulfilling his 9 yearlong dying wish, to see his son graduate high school and become a grown man by turning 18. He lived until week after graduation and one day after his son’s birthday. My son asked for years why we never get to see his grandma. Well, “because her house is very inaccessible” and she “can’t (be bothered to) drive the hour and a half to come here”. Then, she does come to the funeral, gets a ride with my sister and her husband, another blocked family member, who reeks of alcoholism and interrupts the service coming in late. After the graveside, my mother breaks in the greeting line to hug me and my son and tells us she loves us and that we should be able to come see her now, but she has to rush off early since her “ride” is ready to go and they have a long drive home – an hour and a half and it was only noonish. No big deal, really and truly. Typical… and frankly it was just awkward after not having seen her in 7 years.
Yesterday, I found out that they didn’t go home. Instead, they went to our longtime favorite brew pub and had dinner and drinks and hung out with the rest of my blocked family while they were all in town. The brew pub was one of the only restaurants my son’s father felt comfortable going to in his wheelchair. The owners are our friends, having even brought us Thanksgiving dinner at home when we first came home from rehab. They were one of the first people I called personally after his death before the public found out. Like that was our “spot” where we went weekly for trivia and bingo, and it took my son and I two months to even face going again because I knew it would be upsetting for both us and the staff who we’d known for over 10 years. No one there knew my family, but my family knew good and well it was our favorite spot.
I am very glad we didn’t happen to go there after the service (the brewpub owners stayed at the service longer and gave better hugs) and instead in secret came back to the house with only our closest friends, the ones who are more family than my own blood and enjoyed laughing over pizza and beers and reminiscing the good times.
I’m hurt and angry and so very tired of the lies. I’ve maintained birthdays, holidays, sending cards and gifts, but that’s it. Text communication is all we have ever so often for a holiday or birthday. Should I even say anything? I want to have my say, but I also admit I’m angry right now and feel like I should just let it slide and put it behind me like I always do. But it sure did sting to find out they rushed off like that just to go out.
I just know I have nothing nice to say and I don’t think anything I say will even matter … I talk to my son about pretty much everything, but I haven’t told him yet because I know how hurtful it will be.
What should I do? Go ahead and just burn what remains of that very already burnt bridge? Or just let it go...
What a tough situation, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know I'm not Tyler, but as someone who has fully removed my (biological) mother from my life, I just wanted to say that however you feel about it is valid and you may find it changes. I would say that you know best how your son will respond, but an honest sting of pain now may be better than him experiencing hurt from them more directly later?
I don't know that the bridge needs to be burned, per se -- it sounds like they did that all on their own, but I do think that it would be worth it for you to release it.
To clarify: I do not mean in the sense of letting them back in or 'moving past' it: I mean letting go of trying to rebuild the bridge, not continuing to send cards or letters. Quietly 'dropping the rope' as it were. And if they finally reach out and ask you can tell them, or not.
But I think your son is old enough to make that decision alongside you, too.
All in all I just wanted to say I *see* you, I know how hard it is when people who are supposed to be that first deep unconditional love show just how incapable of it they are, and I am sending you so much love and support. Whatever happens, I've no doubt you have the strength and compassion to face it. (And as a final thought, it's okay to grieve the relationship with her, or not. That too might change day to day.)
Nicole, you do NOT have to be me to give stunning advice, clearly. You're amazing. "Quietly dropping the rope" is a beautiful way to say pretty much exactly what I was saying. You're amazing.
It's something that I've become far too intimately connected with and I have wrestled with a lot, so I never want someone to feel alone in the struggle, I suppose.
In the (paraphrased) words of Thich Nhat Hanh - sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to take away their ability to hurt others.
Protecting ourselves in this way supports that, even if the love for them is not our initial reason. It is also a deeply loving act for ourselves.
So it's a trauma and pain I know....BUT I need to note that I'm also immensely lucky and grateful (and have written about it a lot) to have my ~parents~ who raised me and gave me brilliant examples of love. My dad and my real mom - (technically step mom but as I've written before 'no step from her heart to mine') are two of the most wonderful people in the world, and I would never want to diminish the beauty of having them in my life.
Thank you for your very apt and kind words too -- even as I share my perspectives, you words were helpful and validating to read.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It truly is the difficult moments in life that show us who is truly there for us, and many times that is our dearest friends and not family. Though I'm not in your shoes, I'm not sure that saying anything to the family members who took advantage of your husband's funeral to have their own reunion on the side will give you peace. They know what they did, and even if they never know that you know about it, they could get some enjoyment out of knowing it's upsetting for you. As Nicole said, it may be better to quietly 'drop the rope' and walk away without another word.
As for your son, he's now an adult, so there's nothing legally stopping those people from reaching out to him without your permission. (Also nothing stopping him from contacting them - other than knowing it might upset you.) I would be transparent with him, and the two of you can grieve the loss of the extended family together and then move on.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for this, the loss, the ache, all of it. Sorry also for the delay in responding, migraines derailed me. That said, here's what I think I've learned over the years I've been here, the situations I've endured: You do not have to burn a bridge to refuse to pass over it again. We can let go in a peaceful and gentle way, we can shut doors without locking them. I do believe people can change, I believe they deserve the grace to do so, but I believe we cannot allow ourselves the indignity and self-harm of being there while they do so in unkind ways. You can say goodbye without saying goodbye, understanding that you can also say hello again. We can give love without sacrificing ourselves. I say live your life, fill it with joy, and if that shines a light bright enough that it brings them home, some lighthouse in the dark for them, then you can decide how you wish to welcome them in, of if it is even safe enough to do so.
This is just me, the way my odd brain, Buddhist but Autistic, sees things.
ooh I have one -- With my Master's degree starting in January (aside: omg what.) I am going to have less financial freedom (and less time!). What recommendations/ideas do you have for someone who is chaotically busy on how to balance out that need for self-care and rejuvenation that don't cost $$?
Lots of walks (both with friends and without);I think just knowing that this is going to be over in a certain time (2 years?) is also helpful and that within that time you can take care of yourself with the basics - eat well, sleep well, exercise, still make time for friends as you can. The rest is kind of gravy. Focusing on getting it done will also help because you'll be really proud of yourself at the end! :)
Interdisciplinary Studies -- with a focus on Intercultural/Indigenous perspectives, Justice (as it impacts social determinants of health) and communications! I'm stoked, 'cause I was able to tailor it so carefully for aligning with my work.
I'm a policy analyst in the provincial Ministry of Health; I'm specifically interested in and working to support work that embeds cultural safety into the health sector... so yes! :D
My cheap and easy brain reset is usually a glass of $3 wine from Aldi and watching some short and sweet/hilarious 30 minute show on Hulu, etc. I love just sitting back and laughing and not having to think or read or concentrate and just let my mind relax. OR, I hit the trails and just focus on the trail in front of me so that I don't trip and fall and get some miles in. It's not only a great escape from everything, but the technical trails makes you focus on them and not anything else and I feel great afterwards and so much more free.
This is fantastic. It's funny what Passive entertainment can do sometimes vs. engaged. Everyone always says "Go read a book" but honestly, sometimes, that's just too much work for the brain. Sometimes, literally vegging out in front of some show on TV is exactly what our brains need. No work, just the washing over. It's meditation in its own right.
So many people have amazing answers below, but I'll chime in too. Meditation, adding it to your ACTUAL routine, is free, and liberating in a way so few things are. Long hot baths, also free (ish, as you do have to pay for the water and heat haha), long walks, nature, nature, nature, and maybe even reembracing a hobby you may have let go of. Write, everything, notice, everything, and make these tiny changes. They add up to big shifts, and they are free. And like Gabriela said, SLEEP. Do not ever sacrifice sleep. And How RAD that you're starting this! Kudos all the very around.
For me, mindfulness and meditation. I allow myself to really sit with the pain and just breathe into it and try to let it soften. For me, the pain is worsened by tensing up around it, so intentionally relaxing those muscles helps.
Physical pain: rest, ice if it's muscular and within the first 24 hours, work on functional movement to help avoid the pain next time around. Mental/emotional: Rest, meditate, breathe, and seek compassion. Often when we look OUT instead of IN, the pain inside tends to dissipate.
Okay I have a spicy one for you! How can I get over the internal cringe I feel when I try to talk dirty during sexy fun times? My partner and I have have been together for 10 years, but I still have this fear that I just sound idiotic when I try to sound sexy. It's like even though I know he'd never make fun of me, the fear of rejection is paralyzing.
Ahhh I LOVE SPICY ONES! This is amazing. Honestly, I think MOST people, and I won't speak for anyone else, but MOST people (who don't have Autism and ZERO Filter) have trouble talking dirty. The crippling sense of silliness, and fear of some kind of rejection (even though it would never come) can stop us doing a lot of things we might end up loving, or that might end up enriching our lives, sexual or otherwise. My advice, start small. You don't have to come right out of the gate moaning about dripping body parts and using hardcore XXX terminology or language. You can start by slowly talking about the places you want touched, the ways you want it done, and build from there. Start with the challenge of a word or two that may have previously felt too Taboo to bring up, and when you're comfortable there, add, experiment, try. I feel this is the same with trying new things sexually too, so many people are an instant "No" without ever slowly trying. Obviously there are hard nos, and hard lines we draw, but for those that aren't that, why not see? I'm infinitely curious, and I always will be, so I'm all for the experimentation.
I am writing in hopes you can advise me on a moral conundrum I am currently facing. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a year and a half ago after finding out he had been cheating on me for probably the whole time we were together. Upon finding out, I cut him out of my life completely and blocked him from all my social media, email, chats, etc. However he keeps making donations to my NGO and I kind of hate it. But I also kind of need the money. Part of me wants to write him and tell him to stop it and that he has lost the privilege of being a part of what we do and return his funds. But I also have a lot of mouths to feed. I probably haven't processed all of my anger/sadness/bitterness. Its probably because I just ghosted him, leaving myself without healthy closure... But I really have nothing to say to a person who I clearly did not know at all and isn't worth a second or ounce more of my energy. So please let me know what you think!
Ohhh Heather. First, I am so sorry for this. I think one of the toughest lessons we learn in life, is that the things people do TO us, say nothing of the people we ARE. His cheating is his shortcomings, his fear, his selfishness, and narcissism. I know by now you probably understand this, but I think the stain that betrayal leaves can often convince us that maybe, just maybe, (and often this voice is tiny and whispering), we did something to deserve it, maybe WE aren't the people we thought. Bullshit, this. Bullshit. They are small, we are giant, it's this way, and always has been.
To address the question you specifically asked, about the money, my thought is this. You need the money, you're doing BEAUTIFUL things with it, so keep accepting it. Happily, joyfully, thankfully. Some people try to atone for awful things in a variety of weird ways, and it's still up to you to decide how far into your life you allow that help. IF that door is shut and you don't feel safe re-opening it, that's 10000% fine, but I say allow the money to come in, allow the mouths to be fed, allow the help. Grace is accepting things we cannot change, and compassion is understanding that sometimes, our enemies, are our greatest teachers. No one else can show us the way to patience, to forgiveness. Don't let others suffer a moment longer for the narcissism this ex-partner showed you. Let go, and let that part of you that still burns, fall quiet.
Thanks for your words Tyler. They are insightful and exactly what I needed to hear from someone other than myself. I’m fact, I didn’t have time this week to answer your Halloween post on the haunting I need to let go of but I did meditate on it and it is the bitterness I still hold onto. And it is only through my own grace that I’m going to be able to truly move on and get past the betrayal. Gently accepting his means of atonement through his donations is a good way for me to move on. Because allowing it to piss me off is actually giving more of my energy to him than it’s worth!
Thanks for giving me the perspective I needed to see it from a different view!
Thank you all. I took a long run through the woods and released some tears. Then the next day took myself out for brunch and then walked and talked with some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, one of which is battling aggressive cancer. I’ve just let it go. I’ll go on with my self made family of friends. It’s the soul connections I have with my chosen ones who I care about that really matter in life and I shouldn’t let that other mess consume me.
I don’t really have a question or need advice, but I could use some hugs. Do you have any of those?
Sending LOTS of hugs💛💛
Sending a big huge warm comforting hug!
I am sending you a hug!
Sending you a big tight hug!
I'd give you what I've got could I give you what I've got. Sorry for the delay, headaches derailed me :(
I’m sorry you had headaches. As you see, this beautiful community you built here also showed up for me 🙂
I’m so excited for this!
Me too! Hope people chime in!
Is there a way to submit questions anonymously?
Absolutely, just email me: chasersofthelight@gmail.com I mean, I'll see your email, but would never share it. Or, if you're needing completely anonymously, hmmmm...I suppose you could create an email account, and do it that way? I wish I had a better answer or knowledge on how to do completely anonymous. I always wanted this place to feel like one giant group hug of care where we're all able to be completely transparent, but I understand sometimes people aren't ready for that.
How should I feel… my own mother was one of the people I “semi-blocked” from my life years ago for her actions towards others. I blocked her on social media and told her our relationship was more than her just following what was going on in our lives via that method. In 10 years, we’d seen her twice (well 3 times now). Once shortly after returning home from rehab (9 years ago), after my son’s father became a quadriplegic and then at a Thanksgiving dinner my amazing Aunt had, now 7 years ago, to try to bring the family together… My son’s father passed away in June, just after fulfilling his 9 yearlong dying wish, to see his son graduate high school and become a grown man by turning 18. He lived until week after graduation and one day after his son’s birthday. My son asked for years why we never get to see his grandma. Well, “because her house is very inaccessible” and she “can’t (be bothered to) drive the hour and a half to come here”. Then, she does come to the funeral, gets a ride with my sister and her husband, another blocked family member, who reeks of alcoholism and interrupts the service coming in late. After the graveside, my mother breaks in the greeting line to hug me and my son and tells us she loves us and that we should be able to come see her now, but she has to rush off early since her “ride” is ready to go and they have a long drive home – an hour and a half and it was only noonish. No big deal, really and truly. Typical… and frankly it was just awkward after not having seen her in 7 years.
Yesterday, I found out that they didn’t go home. Instead, they went to our longtime favorite brew pub and had dinner and drinks and hung out with the rest of my blocked family while they were all in town. The brew pub was one of the only restaurants my son’s father felt comfortable going to in his wheelchair. The owners are our friends, having even brought us Thanksgiving dinner at home when we first came home from rehab. They were one of the first people I called personally after his death before the public found out. Like that was our “spot” where we went weekly for trivia and bingo, and it took my son and I two months to even face going again because I knew it would be upsetting for both us and the staff who we’d known for over 10 years. No one there knew my family, but my family knew good and well it was our favorite spot.
I am very glad we didn’t happen to go there after the service (the brewpub owners stayed at the service longer and gave better hugs) and instead in secret came back to the house with only our closest friends, the ones who are more family than my own blood and enjoyed laughing over pizza and beers and reminiscing the good times.
I’m hurt and angry and so very tired of the lies. I’ve maintained birthdays, holidays, sending cards and gifts, but that’s it. Text communication is all we have ever so often for a holiday or birthday. Should I even say anything? I want to have my say, but I also admit I’m angry right now and feel like I should just let it slide and put it behind me like I always do. But it sure did sting to find out they rushed off like that just to go out.
I just know I have nothing nice to say and I don’t think anything I say will even matter … I talk to my son about pretty much everything, but I haven’t told him yet because I know how hurtful it will be.
What should I do? Go ahead and just burn what remains of that very already burnt bridge? Or just let it go...
What a tough situation, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know I'm not Tyler, but as someone who has fully removed my (biological) mother from my life, I just wanted to say that however you feel about it is valid and you may find it changes. I would say that you know best how your son will respond, but an honest sting of pain now may be better than him experiencing hurt from them more directly later?
I don't know that the bridge needs to be burned, per se -- it sounds like they did that all on their own, but I do think that it would be worth it for you to release it.
To clarify: I do not mean in the sense of letting them back in or 'moving past' it: I mean letting go of trying to rebuild the bridge, not continuing to send cards or letters. Quietly 'dropping the rope' as it were. And if they finally reach out and ask you can tell them, or not.
But I think your son is old enough to make that decision alongside you, too.
All in all I just wanted to say I *see* you, I know how hard it is when people who are supposed to be that first deep unconditional love show just how incapable of it they are, and I am sending you so much love and support. Whatever happens, I've no doubt you have the strength and compassion to face it. (And as a final thought, it's okay to grieve the relationship with her, or not. That too might change day to day.)
Nicole, you do NOT have to be me to give stunning advice, clearly. You're amazing. "Quietly dropping the rope" is a beautiful way to say pretty much exactly what I was saying. You're amazing.
It's something that I've become far too intimately connected with and I have wrestled with a lot, so I never want someone to feel alone in the struggle, I suppose.
In the (paraphrased) words of Thich Nhat Hanh - sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is to take away their ability to hurt others.
Protecting ourselves in this way supports that, even if the love for them is not our initial reason. It is also a deeply loving act for ourselves.
So it's a trauma and pain I know....BUT I need to note that I'm also immensely lucky and grateful (and have written about it a lot) to have my ~parents~ who raised me and gave me brilliant examples of love. My dad and my real mom - (technically step mom but as I've written before 'no step from her heart to mine') are two of the most wonderful people in the world, and I would never want to diminish the beauty of having them in my life.
Thank you for your very apt and kind words too -- even as I share my perspectives, you words were helpful and validating to read.
I wish I had advice to give you, but I am sending you strength and clarity.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through. It truly is the difficult moments in life that show us who is truly there for us, and many times that is our dearest friends and not family. Though I'm not in your shoes, I'm not sure that saying anything to the family members who took advantage of your husband's funeral to have their own reunion on the side will give you peace. They know what they did, and even if they never know that you know about it, they could get some enjoyment out of knowing it's upsetting for you. As Nicole said, it may be better to quietly 'drop the rope' and walk away without another word.
As for your son, he's now an adult, so there's nothing legally stopping those people from reaching out to him without your permission. (Also nothing stopping him from contacting them - other than knowing it might upset you.) I would be transparent with him, and the two of you can grieve the loss of the extended family together and then move on.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for this, the loss, the ache, all of it. Sorry also for the delay in responding, migraines derailed me. That said, here's what I think I've learned over the years I've been here, the situations I've endured: You do not have to burn a bridge to refuse to pass over it again. We can let go in a peaceful and gentle way, we can shut doors without locking them. I do believe people can change, I believe they deserve the grace to do so, but I believe we cannot allow ourselves the indignity and self-harm of being there while they do so in unkind ways. You can say goodbye without saying goodbye, understanding that you can also say hello again. We can give love without sacrificing ourselves. I say live your life, fill it with joy, and if that shines a light bright enough that it brings them home, some lighthouse in the dark for them, then you can decide how you wish to welcome them in, of if it is even safe enough to do so.
This is just me, the way my odd brain, Buddhist but Autistic, sees things.
ooh I have one -- With my Master's degree starting in January (aside: omg what.) I am going to have less financial freedom (and less time!). What recommendations/ideas do you have for someone who is chaotically busy on how to balance out that need for self-care and rejuvenation that don't cost $$?
Lots of walks (both with friends and without);I think just knowing that this is going to be over in a certain time (2 years?) is also helpful and that within that time you can take care of yourself with the basics - eat well, sleep well, exercise, still make time for friends as you can. The rest is kind of gravy. Focusing on getting it done will also help because you'll be really proud of yourself at the end! :)
I'm being a bit easier on both my brain and pocketbook by doing it over 3 years :D
Even better! What are you doing your Master's in?
Interdisciplinary Studies -- with a focus on Intercultural/Indigenous perspectives, Justice (as it impacts social determinants of health) and communications! I'm stoked, 'cause I was able to tailor it so carefully for aligning with my work.
Fabulous!!! That sounds like a really interesting 3 years! What do you do for work? Must be equally fascinating! Thank you for sharing! :)
I'm a policy analyst in the provincial Ministry of Health; I'm specifically interested in and working to support work that embeds cultural safety into the health sector... so yes! :D
My cheap and easy brain reset is usually a glass of $3 wine from Aldi and watching some short and sweet/hilarious 30 minute show on Hulu, etc. I love just sitting back and laughing and not having to think or read or concentrate and just let my mind relax. OR, I hit the trails and just focus on the trail in front of me so that I don't trip and fall and get some miles in. It's not only a great escape from everything, but the technical trails makes you focus on them and not anything else and I feel great afterwards and so much more free.
This is fantastic. It's funny what Passive entertainment can do sometimes vs. engaged. Everyone always says "Go read a book" but honestly, sometimes, that's just too much work for the brain. Sometimes, literally vegging out in front of some show on TV is exactly what our brains need. No work, just the washing over. It's meditation in its own right.
So many people have amazing answers below, but I'll chime in too. Meditation, adding it to your ACTUAL routine, is free, and liberating in a way so few things are. Long hot baths, also free (ish, as you do have to pay for the water and heat haha), long walks, nature, nature, nature, and maybe even reembracing a hobby you may have let go of. Write, everything, notice, everything, and make these tiny changes. They add up to big shifts, and they are free. And like Gabriela said, SLEEP. Do not ever sacrifice sleep. And How RAD that you're starting this! Kudos all the very around.
"Maybe even re-embracing a hobby you may have let go of" - my brain "See if you can quilt while watching lectures." :D
Thank you for this!
What are your best tricks for managing pain? Ice? Rest? Some quirky herbal remedy? A magic spell?
For me, mindfulness and meditation. I allow myself to really sit with the pain and just breathe into it and try to let it soften. For me, the pain is worsened by tensing up around it, so intentionally relaxing those muscles helps.
thank you! i love this.
Physical pain: rest, ice if it's muscular and within the first 24 hours, work on functional movement to help avoid the pain next time around. Mental/emotional: Rest, meditate, breathe, and seek compassion. Often when we look OUT instead of IN, the pain inside tends to dissipate.
Hey Tyler,
I'm inspired by you. Thank you for sharing your gifts. That's all
Ahh you're so very welcome. Thank you for making this place so special.
Okay I have a spicy one for you! How can I get over the internal cringe I feel when I try to talk dirty during sexy fun times? My partner and I have have been together for 10 years, but I still have this fear that I just sound idiotic when I try to sound sexy. It's like even though I know he'd never make fun of me, the fear of rejection is paralyzing.
Ahhh I LOVE SPICY ONES! This is amazing. Honestly, I think MOST people, and I won't speak for anyone else, but MOST people (who don't have Autism and ZERO Filter) have trouble talking dirty. The crippling sense of silliness, and fear of some kind of rejection (even though it would never come) can stop us doing a lot of things we might end up loving, or that might end up enriching our lives, sexual or otherwise. My advice, start small. You don't have to come right out of the gate moaning about dripping body parts and using hardcore XXX terminology or language. You can start by slowly talking about the places you want touched, the ways you want it done, and build from there. Start with the challenge of a word or two that may have previously felt too Taboo to bring up, and when you're comfortable there, add, experiment, try. I feel this is the same with trying new things sexually too, so many people are an instant "No" without ever slowly trying. Obviously there are hard nos, and hard lines we draw, but for those that aren't that, why not see? I'm infinitely curious, and I always will be, so I'm all for the experimentation.
well said! >high five<
Dear Worry Knott,
I am writing in hopes you can advise me on a moral conundrum I am currently facing. I broke up with my partner of 10 years a year and a half ago after finding out he had been cheating on me for probably the whole time we were together. Upon finding out, I cut him out of my life completely and blocked him from all my social media, email, chats, etc. However he keeps making donations to my NGO and I kind of hate it. But I also kind of need the money. Part of me wants to write him and tell him to stop it and that he has lost the privilege of being a part of what we do and return his funds. But I also have a lot of mouths to feed. I probably haven't processed all of my anger/sadness/bitterness. Its probably because I just ghosted him, leaving myself without healthy closure... But I really have nothing to say to a person who I clearly did not know at all and isn't worth a second or ounce more of my energy. So please let me know what you think!
Yours Truly
A Bucks-a-Buck VS The Buck Stops Here
Ohhh Heather. First, I am so sorry for this. I think one of the toughest lessons we learn in life, is that the things people do TO us, say nothing of the people we ARE. His cheating is his shortcomings, his fear, his selfishness, and narcissism. I know by now you probably understand this, but I think the stain that betrayal leaves can often convince us that maybe, just maybe, (and often this voice is tiny and whispering), we did something to deserve it, maybe WE aren't the people we thought. Bullshit, this. Bullshit. They are small, we are giant, it's this way, and always has been.
To address the question you specifically asked, about the money, my thought is this. You need the money, you're doing BEAUTIFUL things with it, so keep accepting it. Happily, joyfully, thankfully. Some people try to atone for awful things in a variety of weird ways, and it's still up to you to decide how far into your life you allow that help. IF that door is shut and you don't feel safe re-opening it, that's 10000% fine, but I say allow the money to come in, allow the mouths to be fed, allow the help. Grace is accepting things we cannot change, and compassion is understanding that sometimes, our enemies, are our greatest teachers. No one else can show us the way to patience, to forgiveness. Don't let others suffer a moment longer for the narcissism this ex-partner showed you. Let go, and let that part of you that still burns, fall quiet.
Thanks for your words Tyler. They are insightful and exactly what I needed to hear from someone other than myself. I’m fact, I didn’t have time this week to answer your Halloween post on the haunting I need to let go of but I did meditate on it and it is the bitterness I still hold onto. And it is only through my own grace that I’m going to be able to truly move on and get past the betrayal. Gently accepting his means of atonement through his donations is a good way for me to move on. Because allowing it to piss me off is actually giving more of my energy to him than it’s worth!
Thanks for giving me the perspective I needed to see it from a different view!
Thank you all. I took a long run through the woods and released some tears. Then the next day took myself out for brunch and then walked and talked with some friends I haven’t seen in awhile, one of which is battling aggressive cancer. I’ve just let it go. I’ll go on with my self made family of friends. It’s the soul connections I have with my chosen ones who I care about that really matter in life and I shouldn’t let that other mess consume me.
Thank you all!