Hours we would wait, wouldn’t we? Hours staring up at the analog clock hanging over the only door in the classroom, watching the minute hand crawl lazily towards the moment the bell would ring. Hours fidgeting with the little hand-folded football of a note we scrawled out on college-rule paper, freshly torn with the perforated refuse still crumpled into a ball we probably threw at a friend across the room when the teacher’s back was turned. We’d rise, wouldn’t we, zip our Jansports, sling them over a single shoulder, and find our way into the superhighway of gossip and PDA that was a high school hallway, and maybe, if we dared, alter the path to our locker. Just in case, we’d tell ourselves, just in case they did too.
They. The mystery of the dozens of theys we stressed over and fawned over and obsessed over and felt our silly young hearts racing for in our youth. These unknown, magical creatures that lived secret lives we couldn’t possibly imagine, but dammit we tried. The first romances that taught us of those that would come, often with heartache, sometimes with grace. We knew so little of them, eking it out of them a single awkward date at a time, the length of the sidewalk up to their front door seemingly sixteen miles long, the conversation with their parents while you waited for them to be ready more intense and agonizing than any oral thesis defense that could ever come. We learned by our failures, by our jokes that didn’t land, our fumbling attempts to yawn and place an arm behind their back in the darkness of a movie theater, the sparks that did (or did not) burst forth when we first dropped our palm to our side and let the skin of our pinkie finger brush against the skin of theirs. They, they of mystery.
What becomes to all those theys if that mystery fades? When we were young, a crush meant so many of those aforementioned hours just waiting, waiting for a single chance to walk by that person in that hallway, to maybe see them on a weekend if you were blessed with luck you knew you didn’t deserve, maybe a date if luckier than that. We’d wait while the corded phone would ring, and ring, and ring in our own ears until their parents picked up and we’d have to ask if they were available, in our most polite voice of course. Hello Mrs. Smith, is your daughter available. No, not that one. Everything’s fine, thank you, how about with you? Thank you so much, have a nice night. And only then, did the true terror begin. We’d scour yearbooks to find the pages they were in, their obligatory school photo, the teams or clubs they belonged to, because those were the only photos we could find of them, unless we hit the absolute lottery of taking them to a dance. Then we’d pose, stand behind or in front of them and hold their hand in our open palm robotically as some photographer blinded us with flashbulbs. Six weeks, we’d wait again, for the 5x7 glossy we probably no longer wanted, as young hearts are fickle hearts and oh how our affections could wane. We’d leave prime real estate on the best pages of those yearbooks for their little paragraph blurb come the end of the year, hope they wouldn’t dishonor us with something too simple or cliché, we’d feel the dagger sting when all we’d find was “Stay cool.”
What becomes when mystery fades, and what’s more, has it already faded into this nostalgic obscurity? What happens to passion, to interest, to magic, when there is no mystery left? I’m old apparently, a fact I’m still coming to terms with, and I’ve no doubt I’ll expose this fact with the words I write today, but oh my heart aches for how much things have shifted. Kids today do not know this, not the wait, not the mystery behind it. We have two teenagers in this house every other week, and I have learned so much of what the state of things are when it comes to romance. Kids today (at least here, I will not speak for other places I know not of) don’t say they are dating, don’t even say they are ‘seeing’ someone, they just say they are “talking” and they say it with a seriousness it’s hard to not giggle at. There isn’t any actual talking in this talking, however, it’s done almost entirely through Snapchat, and even in that chaotic app, there really isn’t much actual communication. It’s selfies, predominately, dozens and dozens of them over the course of the day, all of them taken haphazardly at skewed angles, mostly showing only a tiny fraction of the top of their face, the side of their face, or even extremely close-up of their eyes and nose. All day, a back-and-forth stream of photos of everything they are doing, seeing, watching, all taken only of themselves, but when a question akin to “When are you going to hang out with them?” the shock on the face answers it all. They probably aren’t, they probably won’t, and hell, they might not even want to.
Still though, sorrow comes when the “talking to” becomes “not talking to anymore,” and somehow, that little pang of heartache does rise up like a bubble in their throats. Perhaps, oddly, there is hope in this?
Where my thoughts go with this development, with the witnessing from front row seats, is always forward. I wonder what will become of mystery if it continues to fade, and if it fades away completely, what then becomes of longing? I’ve often said that for me, poetry is “taking an ache and making it sing,” and so then I wonder, if longing goes, what then happens to poetry? To art? To all that comes when fueled by the wait, the longing, the pining, the aching that we are to turn into song?
Perhaps this is me being dramatic, maybe this is me being old, as this is me speaking from only my own experience, but here is what I know:
All of the art I create, all of the words I write, the images I capture, all come from some place of longing inside me.
It’s this aching, this mystery, that keeps me stumbling forward into the arts, into creativity, into my own imagination and curiosity. The mystery of the life that spins around me, all I do not know, the mystery that is my wife, still, after all this time when we’re around each other more than any two people I’ve ever known, the mystery of what it is to be a human being, what it is to be a single blip of light in a universe of so much dark. The mystery is what keeps me going, keeps me asking questions, keeps me investigating, keeps me pouring out the contents of my own soul as the most feeble attempts to, not answer it, but point out that I’m here, that I’m paying attention.
I don’t know if it’s gone, not yet, this magic and mystery I hold so dear, but I do wonder as I watch Sarah’s kids try to figure out what it is to connect with another. We’re not built to see our own faces as much as we do, this a fact studied often, we’re not built to share everything the way we do. I am lucky to belong to one of the last generations to grow up without mobile phones and the constancy of the internet, so all I opened this article with was commonplace in my development, but it reads as quaint I am sure to the younger members of this household and society. Everyone follows everyone now, and the constant selfies are sent to everyone on their list, not just those they are talking to, so the distinction falls even further into meritlessness (not a word but should be).
There must be a tipping point, clearly there is as babies are still being born, families are still growing, our population is still hurdling over 8 billion, so at some point people must figure it out, or at least they have done so far. What though, if this too slows as a consequence of the increasing isolation that our devices afford, if the long walks up the long driveways, the long talks on phones into the wee hours of the night, the anxiety-riddled conversations with the parents of our theys, the awkward dates, the prom dances, the first kisses, what if they fade and go? Will we go? Perhaps.
I wonder and I worry of the magic when this mystery fades, as it is fading now, a fact I stand behind and would defend fiercely having seen it first hand. I know the methods of our connection have constantly evolved over the centuries, I know that what was common when I was a kid would have been outlandish and extreme to those a hundred years before, but I still say this is different, this is something brand new, this is something with a potency and potential to shift so much more than anything that has come before.
You and I are very close in age (I’ll be 43 in April), and this brought back so many memories. I remember when my (now husband) got his own landline number in his room right after we graduated college and I no longer had to have those awkward conversations with his mom or be tortured by his older brother. And oh, the notes. I still have a binder full of notes written to me in high school.
My daughter is 13, and yet to enter into the world of “dating,” but I can’t imagine. And, right now, she has no Snapchat. So I guess maybe no dating for her. Lol.
The binder notes is so amazing! You should absolutely unearth some amazing lines and share them with us, I bet there's pure poetry in there! Let us know how it goes when Snapchat enters the equation!
I’ve often shared “I could never survive middle/highschool today with social media”. The lack of mystery is fascinating to witness for those on my feeds who hide nothing and share almost everything, if not visually, but with their words too. Sometimes I know more about people I’ve never met in real life vs my best friends. These non mystery people allow so much to be known and I think their comfort level and personalities have adapted to the technology because they enjoy the positive/negative feedback. For me mystery is on a scale, as are most things with humans, and where you land aligns with your longings. For those who adore the mysteriousness I think we just need to find those who love the mystery life as much as we do and if they are true to their ways they might not be easy to find.
Meredith you hit the nail on the head with this idea, that it IS so fascinating to witness, to have a front row seat to so much that so many people we hardly know are experiencing. What a bizarre thing. Your closing statement was beautiful and right on the mark.
Wow. This really hit me in a tender spot today and I am in tears. I can't even explain why. And then Spotify didn't want to play the song for me [frustration] It told me it didn't exist! ... I had to find the album and hear it from there. ... the song made me cry some more.
I miss it too, I have for a long time, and I do get sad for younger generations often. I'm sure every generation does that, but I really do wish they had a glimpse of the way things were before everyone was constantly connected at all times, saying so much without saying anything at all.
…not to rain in the parade (but i probably will come across that way) but the desire of “mystery” which i am picking up from your essay is less of “knowing“ and “connecting” more of “controlling” and “owning”. The quote that popped into my head was…”You can have anything you want in life, you just can’t have everything you want.” But that could just be my cynical side coming out. I was pondering this morning a question from a nephew yesterday of whether I prefer “loneliness” or “solitude”. Snarky question, right? I decided that I prefer “solidarity” with any environment that connects with me (or I with it) whether that is other people, being with nature, or just a book in my room. Why does it have to be any other way all the time? Perhaps the language to connect is less important than the interest and effort. So, no… having lived a lifetime of different lifestyles, I fear no loss of mystery as long as I have a mind to connect with… anything. btw; I did love the haiku. It took me to a different place than the essay.
Kevin, I guess I don't really see what you're saying about the knowing and connecting vs. controlling and owning? I don't think anything I wrote in the essay was about controlling or owning anything. The loss of mystery I was speaking of, is more about the unearthing of truths in people that you're getting to know, the slow reveal of all that makes them the unique people they are. In my experience, this hyper-connectedness has done away with a lot of that, and while everyone is constantly "saying" more through all their snapchat photos, emojis, etc, they're not really saying much of anything at all most of the time. I don't see at all the parallel between wanting some of that mystery to stay, and wanting to control or own anything? Yeah, I'd love to understand more of what you're getting at here, because I don't see what you saw at all, but would love to know what that is.
Sorry if i failed to make my reaction understandable. Your writing is so lyrical and imaginative, perhaps I was lured away. I meant to convey that we go thru life consuming mysteries as thought they are challenges to be conquered. Once conquered and controlled, we move on. Maybe my mind went contrarian because I dont see any difference in modern life to the time I grew up in the 60’s. How we connect is less important to me. And i should be more careful using possessive nouns, as connecting or understanding with another person is ( for me) the same as connecting with nature or a book. Perhaps my mistake is assuming that there is always an end to the mystery “after the slow reveal “. Thats where my point about conquest and controlling comes in. When we reveal a mystery, in a sense, we lose interest because we have solved / conquered it and now control the passion of the search… until next time. Its a great discussion point though.
No need to apologies. Appreciate the clarification on this, as it's an interesting take. I re-read all I wrote and looked for any inference to the controlling or conquering that you're talking about, and couldn't find it anywhere. I even mention in the essay the mystery that is still my wife. She'll always remain this, as I don't believe it is, or should be, a "conquerable" thing. I see the whole point of the essay as the way things are going now, the technological advances, the CONSTANT connection, IS trying to kill that mystery, it IS conquering it, and that's why I worry about younger people. They know every detail of someone, "talk" to them for weeks, then once they see it all, they back out and run away.
I love all your reminiscing here, brings back memories. I assume I'm about a gen ahead of you, yet I still had the same experiences, coming of age. My kids were born in '85 and '91, and between the two of them, my older did not have the 'smart phone' experience growing up and my younger did. The changes are coming faster and faster. I work in a place that serves families with infants and toddlers, and seeing two year old experts on smart phones breaks my heart every day. I remember reading letters my mom would write to her family members when she was raising us kids, and they were about simple things - what flowers were blooming in the yard, what new recipes she was trying. I believe the Mystery is ever present, boundless, all the Omni's. How we tap in is up to us. Are kids missing out on that? Not sure but let's keep modelling it for them, just in case. : )
Ah, yeah I was born in 1981 and I didn't have my first mobile phone until I was a sophomore in college. You're right, we have to keep modeling the right way to approach all this, we just have to show them.
My heart aches for these kids and for my son, if things stay the same in regards to social media and smart phones by the time he is dating. There is so much heaviness to this post but it is an important topic; thank you for diving into it with us, Tyler. When I was in high school, social media was in its infancy and didn't play too much of a role in the world of dating, other than maybe playing Farmville with a crush lol, but I cannot imagine what it is like these days. Layer in gossip and rumors and deep fakes..... these poor kids, do they even stand a chance??
You're so welcome, I always want to make sure I dive into not just the happy/light topics, but also the heavy/dark ones. This weighed me down, and I wanted to address it. I'm so glad you found it that way.
Although I'm much younger than you, I'm still old enough to share this ache. To remember the magic and mystery of my youth and how it shaped me. Longing is it. It's exactly it. It's the thing that drives everything I do creatively. And maybe it's the reason I can never fully give myself over to technology and apps and social media...because I still long for the magic that once was. I don't think the magic will ever fade. There will always be people who go against the grain and challenge the status quo. Probably a lot of which are part of this community. We just have to keep those kinds of people in our lives. We have to seek them out, nurture those relationships. Mystery and magic are inherent to the universe. All we have to do is pay attention.
Tyler Knott Gregson and his weekly "Sunday Edition" of his Signal Fire newsletter. Diving into life, poetry, relationships, sex, human nature, the universe, and all things beautiful.
Tyler Knott Gregson and his weekly "Sunday Edition" of his Signal Fire newsletter. Diving into life, poetry, relationships, sex, human nature, the universe, and all things beautiful.
You and I are very close in age (I’ll be 43 in April), and this brought back so many memories. I remember when my (now husband) got his own landline number in his room right after we graduated college and I no longer had to have those awkward conversations with his mom or be tortured by his older brother. And oh, the notes. I still have a binder full of notes written to me in high school.
My daughter is 13, and yet to enter into the world of “dating,” but I can’t imagine. And, right now, she has no Snapchat. So I guess maybe no dating for her. Lol.
The binder notes is so amazing! You should absolutely unearth some amazing lines and share them with us, I bet there's pure poetry in there! Let us know how it goes when Snapchat enters the equation!
I’ve often shared “I could never survive middle/highschool today with social media”. The lack of mystery is fascinating to witness for those on my feeds who hide nothing and share almost everything, if not visually, but with their words too. Sometimes I know more about people I’ve never met in real life vs my best friends. These non mystery people allow so much to be known and I think their comfort level and personalities have adapted to the technology because they enjoy the positive/negative feedback. For me mystery is on a scale, as are most things with humans, and where you land aligns with your longings. For those who adore the mysteriousness I think we just need to find those who love the mystery life as much as we do and if they are true to their ways they might not be easy to find.
Meredith you hit the nail on the head with this idea, that it IS so fascinating to witness, to have a front row seat to so much that so many people we hardly know are experiencing. What a bizarre thing. Your closing statement was beautiful and right on the mark.
Wow. This really hit me in a tender spot today and I am in tears. I can't even explain why. And then Spotify didn't want to play the song for me [frustration] It told me it didn't exist! ... I had to find the album and hear it from there. ... the song made me cry some more.
Maybe I'll find some clarity. Maybe not.
A wonderful piece ... I miss the mystery.
I miss it too, I have for a long time, and I do get sad for younger generations often. I'm sure every generation does that, but I really do wish they had a glimpse of the way things were before everyone was constantly connected at all times, saying so much without saying anything at all.
…not to rain in the parade (but i probably will come across that way) but the desire of “mystery” which i am picking up from your essay is less of “knowing“ and “connecting” more of “controlling” and “owning”. The quote that popped into my head was…”You can have anything you want in life, you just can’t have everything you want.” But that could just be my cynical side coming out. I was pondering this morning a question from a nephew yesterday of whether I prefer “loneliness” or “solitude”. Snarky question, right? I decided that I prefer “solidarity” with any environment that connects with me (or I with it) whether that is other people, being with nature, or just a book in my room. Why does it have to be any other way all the time? Perhaps the language to connect is less important than the interest and effort. So, no… having lived a lifetime of different lifestyles, I fear no loss of mystery as long as I have a mind to connect with… anything. btw; I did love the haiku. It took me to a different place than the essay.
Kevin, I guess I don't really see what you're saying about the knowing and connecting vs. controlling and owning? I don't think anything I wrote in the essay was about controlling or owning anything. The loss of mystery I was speaking of, is more about the unearthing of truths in people that you're getting to know, the slow reveal of all that makes them the unique people they are. In my experience, this hyper-connectedness has done away with a lot of that, and while everyone is constantly "saying" more through all their snapchat photos, emojis, etc, they're not really saying much of anything at all most of the time. I don't see at all the parallel between wanting some of that mystery to stay, and wanting to control or own anything? Yeah, I'd love to understand more of what you're getting at here, because I don't see what you saw at all, but would love to know what that is.
Sorry if i failed to make my reaction understandable. Your writing is so lyrical and imaginative, perhaps I was lured away. I meant to convey that we go thru life consuming mysteries as thought they are challenges to be conquered. Once conquered and controlled, we move on. Maybe my mind went contrarian because I dont see any difference in modern life to the time I grew up in the 60’s. How we connect is less important to me. And i should be more careful using possessive nouns, as connecting or understanding with another person is ( for me) the same as connecting with nature or a book. Perhaps my mistake is assuming that there is always an end to the mystery “after the slow reveal “. Thats where my point about conquest and controlling comes in. When we reveal a mystery, in a sense, we lose interest because we have solved / conquered it and now control the passion of the search… until next time. Its a great discussion point though.
No need to apologies. Appreciate the clarification on this, as it's an interesting take. I re-read all I wrote and looked for any inference to the controlling or conquering that you're talking about, and couldn't find it anywhere. I even mention in the essay the mystery that is still my wife. She'll always remain this, as I don't believe it is, or should be, a "conquerable" thing. I see the whole point of the essay as the way things are going now, the technological advances, the CONSTANT connection, IS trying to kill that mystery, it IS conquering it, and that's why I worry about younger people. They know every detail of someone, "talk" to them for weeks, then once they see it all, they back out and run away.
I love all your reminiscing here, brings back memories. I assume I'm about a gen ahead of you, yet I still had the same experiences, coming of age. My kids were born in '85 and '91, and between the two of them, my older did not have the 'smart phone' experience growing up and my younger did. The changes are coming faster and faster. I work in a place that serves families with infants and toddlers, and seeing two year old experts on smart phones breaks my heart every day. I remember reading letters my mom would write to her family members when she was raising us kids, and they were about simple things - what flowers were blooming in the yard, what new recipes she was trying. I believe the Mystery is ever present, boundless, all the Omni's. How we tap in is up to us. Are kids missing out on that? Not sure but let's keep modelling it for them, just in case. : )
Ah, yeah I was born in 1981 and I didn't have my first mobile phone until I was a sophomore in college. You're right, we have to keep modeling the right way to approach all this, we just have to show them.
My heart aches for these kids and for my son, if things stay the same in regards to social media and smart phones by the time he is dating. There is so much heaviness to this post but it is an important topic; thank you for diving into it with us, Tyler. When I was in high school, social media was in its infancy and didn't play too much of a role in the world of dating, other than maybe playing Farmville with a crush lol, but I cannot imagine what it is like these days. Layer in gossip and rumors and deep fakes..... these poor kids, do they even stand a chance??
You're so welcome, I always want to make sure I dive into not just the happy/light topics, but also the heavy/dark ones. This weighed me down, and I wanted to address it. I'm so glad you found it that way.
Although I'm much younger than you, I'm still old enough to share this ache. To remember the magic and mystery of my youth and how it shaped me. Longing is it. It's exactly it. It's the thing that drives everything I do creatively. And maybe it's the reason I can never fully give myself over to technology and apps and social media...because I still long for the magic that once was. I don't think the magic will ever fade. There will always be people who go against the grain and challenge the status quo. Probably a lot of which are part of this community. We just have to keep those kinds of people in our lives. We have to seek them out, nurture those relationships. Mystery and magic are inherent to the universe. All we have to do is pay attention.