Typewriter Series #3063 | 11.3.20
I hope that you, whomever you are reading this little post on this little day, have never had suicide directly touch your life. I hope you’ve never lost someone to themselves, never had to say goodbye to someone who is already gone, never looked in the mirror and wondered if you could have done more (please know it is not your fault), never tried to understand something that is altogether too often un-understandable. I hope so, so sincerely, but I doubt it all the same. I have lost people I love to suicide, and I carry their weight daily. I wonder, daily. This poem, is not about someone I know personally, but the loss of them affected me as though I did, and obviously, still does. One of my favorite bands on earth, Frightened Rabbit, a Scottish band through and through, lost their leader a couple of years back, to suicide. Scott Hutchison was the founding member of this little band, and he sang about sorrow with such passionate hope, that I related instantly, deeply, and personally. His loss was a massive one, as he often sang about the precise way he chose to take is own life in songs before it happened. He leapt from the Forth Road Bridge in Edinburgh one night, and has been missed ever since. This poem, this little shout into the absolute nothing that I can do to help him, is my apology, of sorts. I wish I would have been there, I wish I could have spoken to him, to hold him for a moment and show him how much he means to everyone around him, to me, some goofy guy in Montana. I wish. Please, if you are struggling, if you know someone who is struggling, do NOT be afraid to help, to ask for help, to reach out. If you’re in the USA, call: 1-800-273-8255 or I believe 988 is supposed to be active already. If you cannot find anyone else, reach out to me, and I will do my best. I love you all, please stick around.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there
waiting to meet you
on that bridge,
leaning against some
lampost
ready to pull you back.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there,
in some tiny pool of light,
stepping from the shadows
with a mouth full of
hopeful whispers.
I hope peace came in freefall,
in the cold sea that
carried you north. I think
you’re there, now,
some myth in still waters,
that never really left.
Wish that I could go back
and meet you on that bridge,
stand as the mist rose
and before you toed the edge
toss a lifeline
of defiant
hope.
-Tyler Knott Gregson-
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It's so hard to look back and wonder if there was more we could have done...if we could have made a difference. I lost a friend to suicide in high school and it was devastating. But, what's been even harder for me to face, are the losses that feel hopeless as they slip away slowly: my mother has Alzheimer's and it's like watching her drift out to sea in boat that has no oars, while I stand on shore helpless. I also lost my best friend of 23 years to his drug addiction...no amount of intervention could stop the loss. Neither of these two people are gone in body, but they are in spirit, so grief is ongoing and constant, because of the helplessness that seems to be suspended indefinitely. In a way, it's a blessing to grieve once someone is gone. But, it speaks to the very heart of you, all of you, who fight so hard to be a light where there is none. We may not be able to save the one we wish we had, but perhaps the light in our hearts touches others who do and can make better choices because of our interventions. 💗
Thank you for your beautiful words, in the poem and the post. I’ve tried to be someone’s light a few times before, sometimes successfully. More frequently, and in secret, I’ve desperately searched for someone in those dark moments to be there for me. It has taken many years of therapy and some lucky mistakes that mean I am still here. Still trying to carry that defiant hope for myself.
Admittedly, years ago, finding one of your books I had bought on my shelf was was helped pull me from darkness one night. And it’s meant the world to me ever since, being fortunate enough to continue to read your words.