I’m not sure if kindness is inherently or I instinctual a human trait, while I believe empathy could very well be so. The awareness of “right versus wrong” is something that we instinctively register, even as infants, and empathy captures the recognition of when something is not right. But the transition from recognition to action, in that “kindness” (as a verb, “to be kind”) is even less clear. Case in point is that many will notice, but only the rare “Good Samaritan” will eventually stop to help one change a tire on the side of the road. Regardless, I agree with your assertion that it is a human trait all mentors and parents should be re-enforcing as well as nurturing the instinctive tendency toward empathy. But I also believe we do try our best to be responsible representatives as parents or mentors, as we are also (at the same time) trying to be the best partners, co-workers, teachers, citizens, neighbors, and humans. And all that can be too much for anyone at one time. We all fail at one point or another to measure up to the “saintly” expectations of others. And it is not a coincidence that the appreciation our children show for our efforts in parenting does not normally occur until they attempt ( as adults) to do what we have done ( ie; parent). So, in fairness to all those dealing with overly judgmental teens, perhaps we just do our best, and allow God to parent the rest.
Secondly, I have heard and read that the human race is doomed for most of my lifetime (especially during election cycles) and while it is hard to miss the ever present signs of human suffering and war, I tend to think the dark side of our human nature is consistent, or at least cyclical, and not demonstrably changing. And my overly analytical mind tells me that if, in fact, we were bent on total self destruction ( or some other signal of endless entropy) we would have turned the planet over to insects long ago. Since we are still here, and at least entertaining the debate on our behavior toward each other and the environment, it seems the balance of human character leans more toward empathy than antipathy. The issue is making that enormously difficult transition from intent to action. And I am satisfied that human behavior is not a perfect but hopeful endeavor ( as in there are still some havens of relief against swarms of mosquitoes) otherwise it would always seem to be “heaven on earth”. Thanks, as always for the lyrical introspection and verse.
I don't have much to add other than "I agree". I've had this deep feeling in my chest these last few years that I must live my values at every opportunity, despite the cost. Kindness is one of those values.
About a year ago I reconnected with a childhood friend. We've been adventuring deep into the U.S's Public Lands and I've been rediscovering myself. I asked for a snapshot of how I seem, what type of person I am and the answer was "kind", among other things. None of us can ever truly coast in kindness but I was elated that I'm on my way to living my values daily.
I never desired to be a parent, but then I fell in love with a father of 3. I’ve been in their lives for 7 years, and it’s been a wild ride for me navigating the role of step-mum. You’ve nailed so much of it, but for me the part that I struggle with the most is the I’m a parent but not a PARENT. The kids will ask me where Dad is, and then ask him a question I could have answered. I’m not the first port of call for most problems, permissions, or advice. It took me a long time not to take this personally.
I’m told that I’ve positively influenced all 3 kids, so for me, I’m doing okay at this whole step-parenting thing.
I was sitting watching a movie with one of my older boys who is now in his mid twenties and at one point, the preteen antagonist looks up at her CIA spy step father and yells “you’re not my real dad!” In defiance to whatever rule he was laying down. The camera cut to the pain in his eyes. The man sitting beside me, who I had raised since he was a boy, looked at me with his newly developed empathy and I said so now you see how much those words hurt. It was a moment for us. Masked in the humour of the film, it took us back to the many, many many occasions in which these words were used to deflect responsibility, accountability, or vulnerability. Sometimes all three. Kids are fierce and ruthless sometimes. Especially during adolescence. It can be hard for a step parent or those filling the role for someone they are missing in their lives. They will use it to their advantage without knowing the weight of those words and how much they cut through us.
A week later we were going to the wedding of one of my other boys. It was a religious ceremony in the small town where my soon to be daughter in law was from, on the other side of the country. On the grooms side there was only myself, and two of my other boys. When the pastor looked confused over how I could be the mother of the groom, they all chimed in to say she’s all our mom! And I chimed in and they all have different fathers! Ya, we were kind of messing with the pastor but it filled my with so much love to have them reaffirm that I do belong in their lives and in their hearts. I can never replace the mothers they were born to, but I am so grateful that they let me into their lives to fill the shoes as best I can.
TSG - Good stuff, but perhaps two reflections…
I’m not sure if kindness is inherently or I instinctual a human trait, while I believe empathy could very well be so. The awareness of “right versus wrong” is something that we instinctively register, even as infants, and empathy captures the recognition of when something is not right. But the transition from recognition to action, in that “kindness” (as a verb, “to be kind”) is even less clear. Case in point is that many will notice, but only the rare “Good Samaritan” will eventually stop to help one change a tire on the side of the road. Regardless, I agree with your assertion that it is a human trait all mentors and parents should be re-enforcing as well as nurturing the instinctive tendency toward empathy. But I also believe we do try our best to be responsible representatives as parents or mentors, as we are also (at the same time) trying to be the best partners, co-workers, teachers, citizens, neighbors, and humans. And all that can be too much for anyone at one time. We all fail at one point or another to measure up to the “saintly” expectations of others. And it is not a coincidence that the appreciation our children show for our efforts in parenting does not normally occur until they attempt ( as adults) to do what we have done ( ie; parent). So, in fairness to all those dealing with overly judgmental teens, perhaps we just do our best, and allow God to parent the rest.
Secondly, I have heard and read that the human race is doomed for most of my lifetime (especially during election cycles) and while it is hard to miss the ever present signs of human suffering and war, I tend to think the dark side of our human nature is consistent, or at least cyclical, and not demonstrably changing. And my overly analytical mind tells me that if, in fact, we were bent on total self destruction ( or some other signal of endless entropy) we would have turned the planet over to insects long ago. Since we are still here, and at least entertaining the debate on our behavior toward each other and the environment, it seems the balance of human character leans more toward empathy than antipathy. The issue is making that enormously difficult transition from intent to action. And I am satisfied that human behavior is not a perfect but hopeful endeavor ( as in there are still some havens of relief against swarms of mosquitoes) otherwise it would always seem to be “heaven on earth”. Thanks, as always for the lyrical introspection and verse.
Purpose
Building with matchsticks
Is dire amidst fire and wind
But fine to model
Growing plants from seed
First demands care and concern
Then the space to grow
I saw them adrift
And often I had a boat
With and without oars
Am I nice or kind?
My actions will tell the tale
More than words spoken
Kind.
You're always kind, Kevin.
(And, one of my myriad nicknames is Angel. So, I would know)
I don't have much to add other than "I agree". I've had this deep feeling in my chest these last few years that I must live my values at every opportunity, despite the cost. Kindness is one of those values.
About a year ago I reconnected with a childhood friend. We've been adventuring deep into the U.S's Public Lands and I've been rediscovering myself. I asked for a snapshot of how I seem, what type of person I am and the answer was "kind", among other things. None of us can ever truly coast in kindness but I was elated that I'm on my way to living my values daily.
Neurosparkly step-parents for the win!
I never desired to be a parent, but then I fell in love with a father of 3. I’ve been in their lives for 7 years, and it’s been a wild ride for me navigating the role of step-mum. You’ve nailed so much of it, but for me the part that I struggle with the most is the I’m a parent but not a PARENT. The kids will ask me where Dad is, and then ask him a question I could have answered. I’m not the first port of call for most problems, permissions, or advice. It took me a long time not to take this personally.
I’m told that I’ve positively influenced all 3 kids, so for me, I’m doing okay at this whole step-parenting thing.
Aww, circumspect TKG is adorable. "Err..yeah. I facilitated something for my pals."
I've been Aunty Jo for nearly 19 years now. We learn as we go. It's a privilege.
Aunty Jojo has entered the chat & Little Wing is gonna be the the one who raises her chin, and will never break when she bends.
I can't wait to meet her in January, because she will now have an aunt hermione & an uncle harry. Who knew her dad way back when.
All we can do is love with our whole hearts (two if you're Whovian).
You & Lady G. do so exceptionally well.
I was sitting watching a movie with one of my older boys who is now in his mid twenties and at one point, the preteen antagonist looks up at her CIA spy step father and yells “you’re not my real dad!” In defiance to whatever rule he was laying down. The camera cut to the pain in his eyes. The man sitting beside me, who I had raised since he was a boy, looked at me with his newly developed empathy and I said so now you see how much those words hurt. It was a moment for us. Masked in the humour of the film, it took us back to the many, many many occasions in which these words were used to deflect responsibility, accountability, or vulnerability. Sometimes all three. Kids are fierce and ruthless sometimes. Especially during adolescence. It can be hard for a step parent or those filling the role for someone they are missing in their lives. They will use it to their advantage without knowing the weight of those words and how much they cut through us.
A week later we were going to the wedding of one of my other boys. It was a religious ceremony in the small town where my soon to be daughter in law was from, on the other side of the country. On the grooms side there was only myself, and two of my other boys. When the pastor looked confused over how I could be the mother of the groom, they all chimed in to say she’s all our mom! And I chimed in and they all have different fathers! Ya, we were kind of messing with the pastor but it filled my with so much love to have them reaffirm that I do belong in their lives and in their hearts. I can never replace the mothers they were born to, but I am so grateful that they let me into their lives to fill the shoes as best I can.
Heather this is such beautiful insight. Thank you, as always, thank you.
I'm a new stepparent, and this resonated so deeply. I needed to hear it. Thank you.