We offer them, often, throwing them out like the confetti of confessions, point our fingers back at ourselves. We fall upon the swords of our apologies, deposit them into the open palms of those we’ve wronged, then walk away so often unburdened. Still though, still, the wrong remains, and with it the ache that we have caused.
Sorry, I believe, is for the sayer.
Not always perhaps, this isn’t a blanket observation that covers all the instances and scenarios, but the thought dawned on me as it’s dawned on me before, only this time I chose to expound upon it. Sorry, is for the sayer. I shall explain and open the door for your rebuttals, should they come.
It begins with an infraction, and this can be anything, at any time, from any one. A party is wronged, is hurt, and now I’d like you to imagine that you are the perpetrator of the crime, minor as it may be. You’ve done it, you’ve ruffled the feathers, upset the balance, spoken even slightly out-of-turn, and in doing so caused pain or suffering to another. This is done, the pain is caused, and time will be required for healing to occur, if it’s to occur at all. The bigger the mistake, the more dire the damage, the longer this will take, as there is a proportionality to this thing.
The trouble I have with apologies is quite possibly entirely personal, as I’ve seen what I’m about to explain transpire more times than I can possibly count. Perhaps my neurodiversity comes into play in a larger capacity than I have fully come to understand yet, and if so I will be the first to admit it and then adjust accordingly, but the more often this aforementioned series of events comes to pass, the more I begin to shape this bizarre viewpoint about contrition. Here’s what has occurred, more often than not, when I have been hurt or wronged by another:
The transgression occurs.
An apology is offered in a time that doesn’t quantifiably leave room for the actual absorption of said transgression into the mind and soul of the transgressor.
The burden of guilt is instantly relieved for the transgressor by the releasing of this weight.
A lightness (for the transgressor) sets in, sets them free, and allows for an almost instantaneous mood change, vibe shift, and energy transformation.
This lightness brings about an expectation for its spread, an expectation that all others will also feel this burden pass.
The burden of ache, of sorrow, of betrayal, or whatever other emotional scar that accompanies the transgression still remains for the innocent and recently wronged party.
This delay, and often even removal from the lightness is now perceived as bitterness, stubbornness, moodiness, or reluctance to accept the swift apology.
The aggrieved innocent party is then forced into a lose/lose situation, either adopting the new mood/vibe/energy/lightness though it comes not natural or even feels genuine, OR, refuses to acquiesce to this mood/vibe/energy switch and is then seen as negative and unwilling.
This isn’t always, this isn’t everyone, but dammit, it’s often, often enough that it led to this strange diatribe and my need to voice it. My thought is, my thought has always been simple:
We can do better.
We can do better than hollow words so seldomly backed with sincere actions, we can do better than responses to mistakes that almost feel robotic and automatic in their expediency and shallowness. We can do better by first understanding how often we might be guilty of doing this ourselves, understanding that if we’ve never given ourselves the time and space to truly understand the ramifications of our own actions, we can never truly atone for them to another.
Maybe it’s here, this is another in a long line of ‘tiny changes’ I’ve been championing for here for ages and ages, maybe it’s another badge on the Girl Scout sash that we all should be trying to fill up. Apology Badge, we can call it, How To Truly Mean It When You’re Sorry, written in a ring around clasped hands in the middle. Maybe.
Apologies should be for the person we have hurt, always and only. We should not apologize to benefit ourselves, we do not offer remorse simply to release ourselves of the burdens, we should do so only to lighten that load for the person we have hurt.
We should not do this, not this way, but we do, and I have long believed the first step to fixing a problem is to admit that one exists. We can model this for those in our lives, and perhaps with enough positive demonstrations, they too will adopt an entirely new way of apologizing, a new way of showing that they are sorry for the hurt they’ve caused, not because feeling that way alleviates the ache in them, but because they wish it to alleviate the ache in the other. The trickle down of this can be immense, and fundamental.
I’m more patient with my apologies now, more intentional, more pointed, more sincere. I wait now, I let the circumstance truly settle into me, I see all I’ve done, said, or caused, sink into the fabric of me, I let it stain awhile. I do this to understand, I do this to counter my strange autistic brain and its urges to make all things better, all things organized, as swiftly as possible. I do this so those I have hurt know, so they truly feel, that I am sorry, that the apology I offer up is for them and for them alone.
Sorry is for the sayer, but it doesn’t have to stay this way. It really can change, and we can begin now. Let us never again cheapen our apologies with our own desires, let us selflessly give them only after we finally see, finally know, the damage we have done.
I think we forget,
sorry is for the sayer.
We can do better.
Sorry Is For The Sayer - Why Apologies Fall Short | 9.22.24