“Attention energizes, and intention transforms”- Deepak Chopra.
Well done haiku! But of course, that is why we all come here to visit! But to your point in prose… Intention is the root of all good things. Ironically, I was listening to a HIDDEN BRAIN podcast this morning titled, “The Truth About Honesty “, when your post chimed in my phone. “To be honest”, I finished listening to that before I read your’s. Both quandaries are relevant to the world we are know, because they ask the essential question about our personal behavior and its impact on others. If we really don’t care about that, we can go live by ourselves and it won’t matter. But in our world, how we interact with others does matter at both a individual and global scale. “To be sorry” (regret) has the same tired but necessary attachment to behavior as “to be honest” (reliable) or “to be friendly” ( graciousness). All relate to our interest toward being part of a civil world. Origins of “civil” come from the Greek words “civis” , and “ilis”, which were formed into the Latin word “Civilis” and eventually into the Old French “civil” in the 14th century.
“Civis” relates to the ancient term for a recognized member or “citizen” of a community. And the Greek word “ilis”means “illuminated". It is the origin of the name Iliana, which is associated with the goddess of the moon and has connotations of radiance and appreciation. So, the original point of the 14th century origins of “civil” was to have a word that highlighted or recognized the role of a citizen. And whether we think of reliability, graciousness, regret, or taking on a responsibility for one’s actions… they all relate to how we understand our behavior should be in a crowded room (society). As my mom used to tell us, “If you don’t want to act properly, leave us and go be by yourself.” We don’t have “play fair” or “act responsibly” in the game of life. Many, often do not. But in the real sense of maintaining some sense of order in a busy and crowded world, the absence of regret (even if it is only used as a courtesy and not meant with all our heart and soul) leads us down the path to an unforgiving and uncertain society, which we all have experienced to some degree in recent times. And, to me, a quick regret, wave in greeting, or “discomforted honesty” are amongst the smaller demands of my busiest day. My own expectation is that courtesy’s are just part of the price we pay to be human.
Ah the pursuit of a civil world! I wonder sometimes how far we've come, what we've gained, but also what we've lost along the way. I Love your closing statement too, as we do pay a price as humans, though we might not realize it at the time we're paying it. Wonderful stuff.
I have never thought of it this way before, but I see a truth here I never pondered until you shared your thoughts.
And, of course, my teacher brain chimed in and reminded me that what I say to continual transgressors in my classroom is “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to change your behavior.” They interrupt or throw something or whatever the case may be, then blurt out “I’m sorry” as if being “sorry” makes up for their transgression.
My (retired) teacher brain thought the same thing! I always hated making kids say they were sorry because I thought it was meaningless unless it seemed to be heartfelt. So many children seemed to think that if they said they were sorry then they were done, just like Tyler says. Young children usually accepted this as a solution, unfortunately. As they got older, if the victim didn’t accept it, often the other child would often get angry and say, “But I said I was sorry!” as if was nothing else to be said.
I teach high school freshmen, and I see that sometimes. The frustration that it’s not all better just because they said they were sorry. And then I go and have the absolute audacity to expect them to change their behavior. How awful of me. Lol.
This also made me think of the people who say sorry for just about anything.
This week I needed to call in sick to work for the second time. A perfectly simple thing as I was generally feeling weak and awful. [turned out to be an electrolyte imbalance due to the antibiotic I'm taking.]
The last thing I said to my manager was that I was sorry. To which point she said that it was OK. [I called close to my shift]
Immediately I wondered why I had done that. ... I still do. [wonder] Yet this was a case of it being for my benefit. I needed the absolution. The it's OK.
So, you made me think, and I'm going to need to read this again. /sorry has become an empty apology and we need to realize this. "We can do better."
Sarah is a CHRONIC over-apologizer. She does it almost out of habit for things that are so far away from even REMOTELY Being her fault. Also, so glad to see you're doing better!
This resonates so deep for me. I think it's often true (though i'm also thinking of some exceptions too). Saying sorry is often more for the person saying it, than the person hearing it. Saying sorry doesn't repair. Changed behavior does. I used to be on the receiving end of alot of empty sorry's from someone close to me. The same hurts inflicted over and over, always followed my the empty sorry without any change in action/behavior. The sorry meant less and less each time I heard it. In that context the sorry was for the one saying it, not the one hearing it.
When I'm the one in the wrong (and feeling remorseful), I'll say sorry, not because I think it will fix anything (I know it won't) but because saying out loud "i'm sorry I hurt you" is a way to acknowledge that I caused harm, and it's my promise to do better, to do different, to be mindful to not cause that same hurt again. So maybe that's still for the sayer (me) in that context. But it's the start of repair, not the end. Of course it's uncomfortable knowing I hurt someone that I care about, and they're allowed to feel how they feel no matter how uncomfortable that is for me. That discomfort is exactly the experience I need to learn. The discomfort drives change for the better.
I like how you put that, a sincere attempt at changed behavior. There's so much value in the sincere effort to change. Changing our behaviors can be really hard to do, but the effort matters even when the outcome isn't 100% what we hoped for.
There are ABSOLUTELY exceptions, I Hope that came across in my original essay :) Changed behavior is it, it's the Main it, and I get so sad and bummed out when it's forgotten. I think saying it, if it's KNOWN that it'll be backed with action, is of course crucial. :)
You nailed it at the end here so much. Discomfort drives change for the better. Beautifully put.
It did come through in the essay, absolutely!! :) I just didn't want to sound like I was saying there weren't exceptions - I might have overthought it writing my comment :)
For me, it’s the repeated empty and seemingly automatic & reflexive “sorry”s that actually make things worse. If you truly have no intention to change what you did or what you said, or did not do, or did not say, please do not waste my time apologizing to me. And if you don’t understand why…worse yet!! 😉
I agree with you 100% Tyler. And here are my 2 cents. I'm a recovering people pleaser who used to say sorry every other sentence. I apologized for everything. For existing. For being an inconvenience in everyone's life. It's taken a helluva effort to overcome this.
But I realized something important. By automatically apologizing, I am assuming the other party has taken offense or issue with what I said or did. Even when they haven't expressed that to be the case. Assumingely, over 50% of the time creating an issue that was nonexistent. Discrediting the other party automatically.
So I've worked on replacing I'm sorry with "I could have phrased that differently" or "there was a better way for me to handle that". Usually after some time for contemplating. It's made a huge difference in my communication with others and feels a thousand times more authentic. Thanks for discussing this.
YES! Something Sarah and I have worked on for so long, not throwing apologies out for things we've no part in. It's a hard habit to break isn't it? I think too, the auto-apology, ends up creating offense and nonsense sometimes when it wouldn't have, had we not said we are sorry. Isn't that weird?
“Attention energizes, and intention transforms”- Deepak Chopra.
Well done haiku! But of course, that is why we all come here to visit! But to your point in prose… Intention is the root of all good things. Ironically, I was listening to a HIDDEN BRAIN podcast this morning titled, “The Truth About Honesty “, when your post chimed in my phone. “To be honest”, I finished listening to that before I read your’s. Both quandaries are relevant to the world we are know, because they ask the essential question about our personal behavior and its impact on others. If we really don’t care about that, we can go live by ourselves and it won’t matter. But in our world, how we interact with others does matter at both a individual and global scale. “To be sorry” (regret) has the same tired but necessary attachment to behavior as “to be honest” (reliable) or “to be friendly” ( graciousness). All relate to our interest toward being part of a civil world. Origins of “civil” come from the Greek words “civis” , and “ilis”, which were formed into the Latin word “Civilis” and eventually into the Old French “civil” in the 14th century.
“Civis” relates to the ancient term for a recognized member or “citizen” of a community. And the Greek word “ilis”means “illuminated". It is the origin of the name Iliana, which is associated with the goddess of the moon and has connotations of radiance and appreciation. So, the original point of the 14th century origins of “civil” was to have a word that highlighted or recognized the role of a citizen. And whether we think of reliability, graciousness, regret, or taking on a responsibility for one’s actions… they all relate to how we understand our behavior should be in a crowded room (society). As my mom used to tell us, “If you don’t want to act properly, leave us and go be by yourself.” We don’t have “play fair” or “act responsibly” in the game of life. Many, often do not. But in the real sense of maintaining some sense of order in a busy and crowded world, the absence of regret (even if it is only used as a courtesy and not meant with all our heart and soul) leads us down the path to an unforgiving and uncertain society, which we all have experienced to some degree in recent times. And, to me, a quick regret, wave in greeting, or “discomforted honesty” are amongst the smaller demands of my busiest day. My own expectation is that courtesy’s are just part of the price we pay to be human.
Ah the pursuit of a civil world! I wonder sometimes how far we've come, what we've gained, but also what we've lost along the way. I Love your closing statement too, as we do pay a price as humans, though we might not realize it at the time we're paying it. Wonderful stuff.
I have never thought of it this way before, but I see a truth here I never pondered until you shared your thoughts.
And, of course, my teacher brain chimed in and reminded me that what I say to continual transgressors in my classroom is “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want you to change your behavior.” They interrupt or throw something or whatever the case may be, then blurt out “I’m sorry” as if being “sorry” makes up for their transgression.
My (retired) teacher brain thought the same thing! I always hated making kids say they were sorry because I thought it was meaningless unless it seemed to be heartfelt. So many children seemed to think that if they said they were sorry then they were done, just like Tyler says. Young children usually accepted this as a solution, unfortunately. As they got older, if the victim didn’t accept it, often the other child would often get angry and say, “But I said I was sorry!” as if was nothing else to be said.
I teach high school freshmen, and I see that sometimes. The frustration that it’s not all better just because they said they were sorry. And then I go and have the absolute audacity to expect them to change their behavior. How awful of me. Lol.
I cannot imagine what you deal with hahaha.
Yes😆so glad I have retired from all that! Hang on, Jennica!
YES! Sorry should come only when sorry is truly, TRULY, felt.
This is it, the heart of it. Sorry sure, but change. Please change, or else what's the point of all of it. Nailed it.
" Sorry is for the sayer"
This also made me think of the people who say sorry for just about anything.
This week I needed to call in sick to work for the second time. A perfectly simple thing as I was generally feeling weak and awful. [turned out to be an electrolyte imbalance due to the antibiotic I'm taking.]
The last thing I said to my manager was that I was sorry. To which point she said that it was OK. [I called close to my shift]
Immediately I wondered why I had done that. ... I still do. [wonder] Yet this was a case of it being for my benefit. I needed the absolution. The it's OK.
So, you made me think, and I'm going to need to read this again. /sorry has become an empty apology and we need to realize this. "We can do better."
[PS I'm OK. Electrolytes fixed me up.]
Sarah is a CHRONIC over-apologizer. She does it almost out of habit for things that are so far away from even REMOTELY Being her fault. Also, so glad to see you're doing better!
"Sorry is for the sayer"
This resonates so deep for me. I think it's often true (though i'm also thinking of some exceptions too). Saying sorry is often more for the person saying it, than the person hearing it. Saying sorry doesn't repair. Changed behavior does. I used to be on the receiving end of alot of empty sorry's from someone close to me. The same hurts inflicted over and over, always followed my the empty sorry without any change in action/behavior. The sorry meant less and less each time I heard it. In that context the sorry was for the one saying it, not the one hearing it.
When I'm the one in the wrong (and feeling remorseful), I'll say sorry, not because I think it will fix anything (I know it won't) but because saying out loud "i'm sorry I hurt you" is a way to acknowledge that I caused harm, and it's my promise to do better, to do different, to be mindful to not cause that same hurt again. So maybe that's still for the sayer (me) in that context. But it's the start of repair, not the end. Of course it's uncomfortable knowing I hurt someone that I care about, and they're allowed to feel how they feel no matter how uncomfortable that is for me. That discomfort is exactly the experience I need to learn. The discomfort drives change for the better.
I agree with what you wrote about changed behaviour helping to repair- even a sincere attempt at changed behaviour.
I like how you put that, a sincere attempt at changed behavior. There's so much value in the sincere effort to change. Changing our behaviors can be really hard to do, but the effort matters even when the outcome isn't 100% what we hoped for.
There are ABSOLUTELY exceptions, I Hope that came across in my original essay :) Changed behavior is it, it's the Main it, and I get so sad and bummed out when it's forgotten. I think saying it, if it's KNOWN that it'll be backed with action, is of course crucial. :)
You nailed it at the end here so much. Discomfort drives change for the better. Beautifully put.
It did come through in the essay, absolutely!! :) I just didn't want to sound like I was saying there weren't exceptions - I might have overthought it writing my comment :)
Not at all ;)
For me, it’s the repeated empty and seemingly automatic & reflexive “sorry”s that actually make things worse. If you truly have no intention to change what you did or what you said, or did not do, or did not say, please do not waste my time apologizing to me. And if you don’t understand why…worse yet!! 😉
Yes yes yes. I'd so much rather people just not bother with the apologies if they aren't going to bother with the fixes.
Standing on stolen land that is sunburnt?
Apologies & reparations matter.
Walking the talk. Put in the work. Be fair & civil & courteous. Leave things better than when you arrived.
We saw who walked out when Kevin Rudd said Sorry to The Stolen Generation.
Anything performative, or toxic?
Can get in the bin.
I agree with you 100% Tyler. And here are my 2 cents. I'm a recovering people pleaser who used to say sorry every other sentence. I apologized for everything. For existing. For being an inconvenience in everyone's life. It's taken a helluva effort to overcome this.
But I realized something important. By automatically apologizing, I am assuming the other party has taken offense or issue with what I said or did. Even when they haven't expressed that to be the case. Assumingely, over 50% of the time creating an issue that was nonexistent. Discrediting the other party automatically.
So I've worked on replacing I'm sorry with "I could have phrased that differently" or "there was a better way for me to handle that". Usually after some time for contemplating. It's made a huge difference in my communication with others and feels a thousand times more authentic. Thanks for discussing this.
YES! Something Sarah and I have worked on for so long, not throwing apologies out for things we've no part in. It's a hard habit to break isn't it? I think too, the auto-apology, ends up creating offense and nonsense sometimes when it wouldn't have, had we not said we are sorry. Isn't that weird?