I don’t remember when it happened exactly, it’s been quite some time now, when I realized being anything other than real felt painful. Once you cross that threshold, there is no going back, thankfully. 😎💋
I love this so much Tyler! I think of this often and always respect so much when people are able to show their vulnerability and raw honest truth through social media. When it comes sharing my own hard things there is a real hesitation there in my heart. My mother always said to never share your struggles with others because half of them don’t care and the other half are glad to see what’s coming to you, and while I’m not sure that is accurate I sometimes feel like the world likes you better when you’re bright and sparkly. But here’s the raw truth of me - while it is all at once true that I am trying desperately to enjoy this summer, I have an 11 year old who is questioning her sexuality after a year away from her peers and I am honouring her feelings and supporting her in every way that I can but also so afraid of how her transition back into a new middle school will be if she shares her feelings with the little girls who are already fairweather friends. She is so incredible just the way she is and I’m so fearful that others will hurt her and make the transition difficult. I am also 2 weeks away from returning to work in the office after 16 months of working from home and I am desperately afraid to go back, feeling the bends of connecting with people after being isolated so long, feeling a general fear and uncertainty and general not enough-ness that is actually stemming from a change in management and a large turn over in staff but feels like it’s just something as ridiculous as not being able to strut into that space two sizes smaller than when I left with my head held high because, despite my daily work outs, my spirit feels like this slightly softer body is a better fit right now. And that in itself feels like a failure already.
I feel like the only person who faces the world post-pandemic feeling fearful and overwhelmed instead of joyful and excited. And I make it worse by beating myself up about that a lot. I feel like between the fear and uncertainty I really needed a beat of calm and relief but I feel like there isn’t one to be had, just this train of life that drags me forward faster than my heart can keep up.
You are ABSOLUTELY not alone. There are so very many things I'm so apprehensive about all this re-opening stuff. Never beat yourself up. Please. We're all here.
Thank you for your honesty! With everything going on in our worlds as they are it is no wonder you are feeling these emotions. And anything that affects your children is so very difficult on parents who are supportive wonderful parents, who are also human.
Sadly, what “the world” wants seems to me to be more escapism and the sparkly FB posts of incredible vacations, clothes, whatever is just more of that.
Your real post is so refreshing! Coming from a later in life Buddhist background, you are an amazing human! I wish you peace and kindness for yourself and how you talk with yourself and your family. The world is hard enough on us so I hope you are able to see what an incredible human you are which is shown by how you wrote your post. Peace, love and kindness to you 🙏
This Big Picture vs. small details perspective difference is spot on. From a distance, my life looks A-OK....and I even have one friend who hyperfocuses on that so much that I can't really talk about any of the small detail challenges I face because she's like *Oh, but your life is great* The fact is, that the Big Picture is great....job, house, kids, husband.... yup. But examine a little closer and it gets less attractive. There are massive stressors to being a teacher during Covid.... I'm so mentally exhausted after the endless pivots and demands of this year that I'm burnt out utterly and completely...and Delta with unvaccinated children makes me worried for September. And I love my boys ...but their ADHD levels of energy plus my own depleted reserves mean I have nothing but guilt right now for the fact that I can barely meet their needs for attention because I don't have the ability to meet my own for self care. I am an empty cup with not a drop to give. And my husband is fine ...but he doesn't jump in to fill my bucket because he's in the same boat after a year of Covid teaching, is teaching summer school so we can afford a vacation later in August, and is focused on his father, who's got terminal cancer and limited time left. So I get it, but I feel like I have no emotional return on any of my output and I've been in a very dark headspace for the past couple weeks that I can't seem to make significant progress out of. So that close up is not pretty. Is it the worst ever? Worse that him or her or them? Maybe no...but emotional pain is pain and I'm in it, despite the pretty exterior of what it looks like from the outside. So I'm trying not to gaslight myself and to stay real with the mess, hoping that there is something brighter if I just keep going. No mud, no lotus or something. But the muck is real and there's no point in pretending otherwise.
By the way, Tyler..... you're a lighthouse for me in lots of ways on lots of days so thanks for being you. 🙏
Oh my friend ♥️ Hard things. Sending you giant hugs and honouring the courage that burns in your heart to not only sit in the muck, but to be honest about it and gentle with yourself. Sure do hope better days are ahead for you! ♥️
Mine’s an SLP staring down the barrel of 91 IEPs, 40 RTIs, with the 504s in the mix, and all he wants to do is help actual kids…it’s July 19th and he just stopped talking about last year, in time to buy school supplies for our four in three weeks. My Friend, I get it.
And thank you for what you have already done. What you will do in the lives of your next class. And just for a moment, hope your find a breath today to choose you, too.
In reading this, a phrase came to me - I am a recovering train wreck aka hot mess. Use your imagination. I would never face up to my realities, I'd lie. When I fell hard, I stopped, dusted myself off and started to slowly live in truth, one by one. It hurt, not gonna lie. Now things are better, as I have put myself together, kind of. Not sure where I'm going but it's going to be good.
i don’t know how you do it but you seem to give the words exactly when they need to be heard, read, felt. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. my heart needed this today.
THIS! This resonates with me more than I am able to say. So much so that I feel it's almost my "why"...why I'm here, my purpose. Honesty, authenticity is all there is. All there SHOULD BE. And you can feel it, when you're around others that aren't in that place. They regard you with curiosity, with confusion. But you can also feel a longing in them - a longing to be that free. And so I create that place, for them to practice being real and they can see that it is safe, and beautiful. Hopefully after that taste they find themselves wanting more and more.
Pallet knife paintings have always been my favorite; truth cuts clean, leaving stories woven in scars. But not everyone wants to notice, or hear the tales. And many masterpieces are painted atop reused canvas.
Still. No lies are told here.
I feel too much for so many, and, I fear or maybe, I am proud to say, I have passed the trait on to those who come after me. Be who you are and know who you be. Change accordingly. Bind up wounds in precious metals, make chains your jewels once freedom is won, and never for a second believe you’ve been alone in the fight for love. Life is not an accident, you’re here to live every bloody moment of it.
For saying this, for always saying things that need hearing, for the bravery, and for bestowing it on us. I’m working on this very thing now, in my life, with my therapist and husband. I’ve never been good at it, never been braver enough. This is the jet fuel that propels my panic attacks; I’m determined. Thank you for the encouragement!
The last two weeks in my world has me spinning. A friend I hadn't heard from in a few years passed away suddenly on the last day of June. He was 49. At his celebration of life, stories were shared of his contagious smile, adventures and shenanigans. A life lost too soon. Three days later, my daughter went into labor a few weeks early, but her doctor wasn't concerned. Then in the middle of the night, things went sideways quickly, and she was whisked away to emergency surgery, and I'm told now that both her life and that of my preemie grandson were in grave danger. She is doing well now - had one setback that landed her in the ER last week, but she's fine. Baby Jacob is in the NICU, but hopefully will come home this week. Then today my ex (we divorced after 27 years of struggling to force things where love no longer thrived) called and asked if there was any chance of us getting back together. I'm sure the events of the last few weeks have him spinning as well, but no. Not a chance. I'm a MUCH better person than I was when I was married to him. I'm finally finding my true self in this world, and I'm much happier living alone and embracing the occasional loneliness.
Thank you Tyler for giving us a place to acknowledge, to share, to be true to ourselves. This space is incredibly valuable to all of us. <3
Kristi, my heart breaks for yours this night. My prayers are with you and all you love. My brother’s name is Jacob, he is one of the best men I believe walk this earth. I will hold your Jacob in my heart and my prayers until we hear his heart beats with all the strength of my own brother’s. Please, keep us informed. I will lift you all up every time I my brother comes to mind.
I don’t remember when it happened exactly, it’s been quite some time now, when I realized being anything other than real felt painful. Once you cross that threshold, there is no going back, thankfully. 😎💋
I love this so much Tyler! I think of this often and always respect so much when people are able to show their vulnerability and raw honest truth through social media. When it comes sharing my own hard things there is a real hesitation there in my heart. My mother always said to never share your struggles with others because half of them don’t care and the other half are glad to see what’s coming to you, and while I’m not sure that is accurate I sometimes feel like the world likes you better when you’re bright and sparkly. But here’s the raw truth of me - while it is all at once true that I am trying desperately to enjoy this summer, I have an 11 year old who is questioning her sexuality after a year away from her peers and I am honouring her feelings and supporting her in every way that I can but also so afraid of how her transition back into a new middle school will be if she shares her feelings with the little girls who are already fairweather friends. She is so incredible just the way she is and I’m so fearful that others will hurt her and make the transition difficult. I am also 2 weeks away from returning to work in the office after 16 months of working from home and I am desperately afraid to go back, feeling the bends of connecting with people after being isolated so long, feeling a general fear and uncertainty and general not enough-ness that is actually stemming from a change in management and a large turn over in staff but feels like it’s just something as ridiculous as not being able to strut into that space two sizes smaller than when I left with my head held high because, despite my daily work outs, my spirit feels like this slightly softer body is a better fit right now. And that in itself feels like a failure already.
I feel like the only person who faces the world post-pandemic feeling fearful and overwhelmed instead of joyful and excited. And I make it worse by beating myself up about that a lot. I feel like between the fear and uncertainty I really needed a beat of calm and relief but I feel like there isn’t one to be had, just this train of life that drags me forward faster than my heart can keep up.
I feel so much of the same things for my own reasons.... you're not alone in any of the feelings you described here. Consider yourself hugged.
You are ABSOLUTELY not alone. There are so very many things I'm so apprehensive about all this re-opening stuff. Never beat yourself up. Please. We're all here.
Thank you for your honesty! With everything going on in our worlds as they are it is no wonder you are feeling these emotions. And anything that affects your children is so very difficult on parents who are supportive wonderful parents, who are also human.
Sadly, what “the world” wants seems to me to be more escapism and the sparkly FB posts of incredible vacations, clothes, whatever is just more of that.
Your real post is so refreshing! Coming from a later in life Buddhist background, you are an amazing human! I wish you peace and kindness for yourself and how you talk with yourself and your family. The world is hard enough on us so I hope you are able to see what an incredible human you are which is shown by how you wrote your post. Peace, love and kindness to you 🙏
This Big Picture vs. small details perspective difference is spot on. From a distance, my life looks A-OK....and I even have one friend who hyperfocuses on that so much that I can't really talk about any of the small detail challenges I face because she's like *Oh, but your life is great* The fact is, that the Big Picture is great....job, house, kids, husband.... yup. But examine a little closer and it gets less attractive. There are massive stressors to being a teacher during Covid.... I'm so mentally exhausted after the endless pivots and demands of this year that I'm burnt out utterly and completely...and Delta with unvaccinated children makes me worried for September. And I love my boys ...but their ADHD levels of energy plus my own depleted reserves mean I have nothing but guilt right now for the fact that I can barely meet their needs for attention because I don't have the ability to meet my own for self care. I am an empty cup with not a drop to give. And my husband is fine ...but he doesn't jump in to fill my bucket because he's in the same boat after a year of Covid teaching, is teaching summer school so we can afford a vacation later in August, and is focused on his father, who's got terminal cancer and limited time left. So I get it, but I feel like I have no emotional return on any of my output and I've been in a very dark headspace for the past couple weeks that I can't seem to make significant progress out of. So that close up is not pretty. Is it the worst ever? Worse that him or her or them? Maybe no...but emotional pain is pain and I'm in it, despite the pretty exterior of what it looks like from the outside. So I'm trying not to gaslight myself and to stay real with the mess, hoping that there is something brighter if I just keep going. No mud, no lotus or something. But the muck is real and there's no point in pretending otherwise.
By the way, Tyler..... you're a lighthouse for me in lots of ways on lots of days so thanks for being you. 🙏
So many difficult things to be holding right now. 🙏🙏🙏
Oh my friend ♥️ Hard things. Sending you giant hugs and honouring the courage that burns in your heart to not only sit in the muck, but to be honest about it and gentle with yourself. Sure do hope better days are ahead for you! ♥️
Believe me when I say….DITTO.
Mine’s an SLP staring down the barrel of 91 IEPs, 40 RTIs, with the 504s in the mix, and all he wants to do is help actual kids…it’s July 19th and he just stopped talking about last year, in time to buy school supplies for our four in three weeks. My Friend, I get it.
And thank you for what you have already done. What you will do in the lives of your next class. And just for a moment, hope your find a breath today to choose you, too.
In reading this, a phrase came to me - I am a recovering train wreck aka hot mess. Use your imagination. I would never face up to my realities, I'd lie. When I fell hard, I stopped, dusted myself off and started to slowly live in truth, one by one. It hurt, not gonna lie. Now things are better, as I have put myself together, kind of. Not sure where I'm going but it's going to be good.
Falling bricks hit street
Crumbling facade shatters
I breathe better now
i don’t know how you do it but you seem to give the words exactly when they need to be heard, read, felt. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. my heart needed this today.
THIS! This resonates with me more than I am able to say. So much so that I feel it's almost my "why"...why I'm here, my purpose. Honesty, authenticity is all there is. All there SHOULD BE. And you can feel it, when you're around others that aren't in that place. They regard you with curiosity, with confusion. But you can also feel a longing in them - a longing to be that free. And so I create that place, for them to practice being real and they can see that it is safe, and beautiful. Hopefully after that taste they find themselves wanting more and more.
I just got here, and so glad to see you here too.
Pallet knife paintings have always been my favorite; truth cuts clean, leaving stories woven in scars. But not everyone wants to notice, or hear the tales. And many masterpieces are painted atop reused canvas.
Still. No lies are told here.
I feel too much for so many, and, I fear or maybe, I am proud to say, I have passed the trait on to those who come after me. Be who you are and know who you be. Change accordingly. Bind up wounds in precious metals, make chains your jewels once freedom is won, and never for a second believe you’ve been alone in the fight for love. Life is not an accident, you’re here to live every bloody moment of it.
Thank you Tyler!
For saying this, for always saying things that need hearing, for the bravery, and for bestowing it on us. I’m working on this very thing now, in my life, with my therapist and husband. I’ve never been good at it, never been braver enough. This is the jet fuel that propels my panic attacks; I’m determined. Thank you for the encouragement!
The last two weeks in my world has me spinning. A friend I hadn't heard from in a few years passed away suddenly on the last day of June. He was 49. At his celebration of life, stories were shared of his contagious smile, adventures and shenanigans. A life lost too soon. Three days later, my daughter went into labor a few weeks early, but her doctor wasn't concerned. Then in the middle of the night, things went sideways quickly, and she was whisked away to emergency surgery, and I'm told now that both her life and that of my preemie grandson were in grave danger. She is doing well now - had one setback that landed her in the ER last week, but she's fine. Baby Jacob is in the NICU, but hopefully will come home this week. Then today my ex (we divorced after 27 years of struggling to force things where love no longer thrived) called and asked if there was any chance of us getting back together. I'm sure the events of the last few weeks have him spinning as well, but no. Not a chance. I'm a MUCH better person than I was when I was married to him. I'm finally finding my true self in this world, and I'm much happier living alone and embracing the occasional loneliness.
Thank you Tyler for giving us a place to acknowledge, to share, to be true to ourselves. This space is incredibly valuable to all of us. <3
Kristi, my heart breaks for yours this night. My prayers are with you and all you love. My brother’s name is Jacob, he is one of the best men I believe walk this earth. I will hold your Jacob in my heart and my prayers until we hear his heart beats with all the strength of my own brother’s. Please, keep us informed. I will lift you all up every time I my brother comes to mind.
Peace and power you.