My son broke off a four -year relationship because he recognized that he wasn’t being the person she deserved; she was always the reacher and he the settler. As much as my husband and I loved her like a daughter and were sorry that she would no longer be in our lives, we knew it was the right thing to do and respected his honesty and courage to end it. He has recently met someone else with whom he wants to reach and is willing to give of himself more than I have seen before. There seems to be a balance between them of reaching and settling, giving and receiving, and this seems happier and healthier. I think finding this balance is essential and for this, both have to be willing reach and keep reaching.
“Ok, I’ll see and raise your point with another”…. Oh dear, that is such a poorly placed pun, isn’t it? Well, you are correct about business implications. I negotiated many contracts in my working years, and found two primary negotiation styles… adversarial ("I'm in charge") and collaborative ("Together we will prosper"). Depending on the strength of my position. I would use both. However, in personal situations, I confess it was never that easy to separate emotions from intellect. Having an intellectually superior and more emotionally stable partner always put me in the defensive position that most men typically find themselves. But after she suffered a debilitating stroke, nearly all decisions fell on my shoulders. But that made me far from happy about my position in our relationship. And it took nearly four years of frustration for me to figure out that serving another person as a caregiver is not a sacrifice to your position in a relationship, but a privilege. I spent too much time in that initial period focused on what was lost, until I recognized that my inability to “fix the situation” or feed my need for validation, was something to be OK with — as a result found the power of self-compassion. I learned the hard way that generosity and true mindfulness emerges when we give without the need for our offering to be received or reciprocated in a certain way. That’s it comes from inner abundance, rather than from feeling deficient and hollow, starved for validation. And like every relationship, there is no end to internal and external challenges. But yes, if we can forget about the power struggle, and the gamesmanship, the love within a relationship can be even more empowering than before.
I absolutely love the nod to non-romantic relationships, and the truth behind them, too. Your closing statement is exactly, exactly it. Thank you for this gem.
I am a reacher even when I want to be a settler. I will always care too much and give too much. But nobody ever taught me to be discerning. And I will pay for that mistake the whole rest of my life. Now I will try to be a light for others lost in the ever reaching dark spaces of life and relationships. This is my new favorite haiku.
I am a reacher in so many situations. I was often told that I was too caring and too kind. I could never understand how that was a bad thing. I desperately want people to know how special they are, so I reach. In the few relationships I’ve been the settler, I am in the relationship out of pity. My heart isn’t in it the same. So eventually those people fade from my life because I could never put my whole heart into it. I love to be the reacher. To feel my heart burst with so much love helps me know how alive I am.
Too caring, too kind, heard that my whole life. I don't feel like WE should have to change just cause others take advantage of it. That always confused me so deeply.
I love this! And agree entirely, especially that sometimes you switch roles when needed. Reminds me of Kacey Musgraves song Giver/Taker on new album- so good! Love the Haiku ❤️
I am actually both depending on the time and place. For instance, I am settled in my home as wife and mother. I used to be the reacher to my husband, but when he came out as gay/asexual, I found myself kind of thrust into settler mode. I've always been the settler for my daughter. At work I am a reacher, giving to my customers to help them feel beautiful and special, and with my manager, seeking acceptance and appreciation. So I throw myself into my work with an open heart so that each task and customer is loved. Generally, I love and love love, but I see the settler in me. I'm not sure I like it, in theory. Power is not my thing. But here we are.
i guess I do not like the description of a settler and don't entirely see how that fits. But I guess, yeah, it stands. Even in my relationship with my boyfriend. Huh. Learn something new every day ...
Ahh yes, the oscillation back and forth of both! I think this is so true, and so often what we all are depending on who the relationship might be with. I love the dissection of this, thank you!
Ooof. This essay just reached into my gut. "I reach because it’s how I love." That is absolutely me. I am like you. I was born a reacher. Everything you said rings so true. And I agree that even with the dynamic, a relationship can be beautiful with both parts. The same way you can't have darkness without light. Thank you for sharing this.
My son broke off a four -year relationship because he recognized that he wasn’t being the person she deserved; she was always the reacher and he the settler. As much as my husband and I loved her like a daughter and were sorry that she would no longer be in our lives, we knew it was the right thing to do and respected his honesty and courage to end it. He has recently met someone else with whom he wants to reach and is willing to give of himself more than I have seen before. There seems to be a balance between them of reaching and settling, giving and receiving, and this seems happier and healthier. I think finding this balance is essential and for this, both have to be willing reach and keep reaching.
Wow, what a tough thing to do, but what an amazing thing to believe in yourself and your needs that much. Balance is all things. All.
“Ok, I’ll see and raise your point with another”…. Oh dear, that is such a poorly placed pun, isn’t it? Well, you are correct about business implications. I negotiated many contracts in my working years, and found two primary negotiation styles… adversarial ("I'm in charge") and collaborative ("Together we will prosper"). Depending on the strength of my position. I would use both. However, in personal situations, I confess it was never that easy to separate emotions from intellect. Having an intellectually superior and more emotionally stable partner always put me in the defensive position that most men typically find themselves. But after she suffered a debilitating stroke, nearly all decisions fell on my shoulders. But that made me far from happy about my position in our relationship. And it took nearly four years of frustration for me to figure out that serving another person as a caregiver is not a sacrifice to your position in a relationship, but a privilege. I spent too much time in that initial period focused on what was lost, until I recognized that my inability to “fix the situation” or feed my need for validation, was something to be OK with — as a result found the power of self-compassion. I learned the hard way that generosity and true mindfulness emerges when we give without the need for our offering to be received or reciprocated in a certain way. That’s it comes from inner abundance, rather than from feeling deficient and hollow, starved for validation. And like every relationship, there is no end to internal and external challenges. But yes, if we can forget about the power struggle, and the gamesmanship, the love within a relationship can be even more empowering than before.
I absolutely love the nod to non-romantic relationships, and the truth behind them, too. Your closing statement is exactly, exactly it. Thank you for this gem.
I am a reacher even when I want to be a settler. I will always care too much and give too much. But nobody ever taught me to be discerning. And I will pay for that mistake the whole rest of my life. Now I will try to be a light for others lost in the ever reaching dark spaces of life and relationships. This is my new favorite haiku.
I love this distinction, the want for settling, but the inability to achieve it haha. You already ARE a light, and I don't see that changing.
I am a reacher in so many situations. I was often told that I was too caring and too kind. I could never understand how that was a bad thing. I desperately want people to know how special they are, so I reach. In the few relationships I’ve been the settler, I am in the relationship out of pity. My heart isn’t in it the same. So eventually those people fade from my life because I could never put my whole heart into it. I love to be the reacher. To feel my heart burst with so much love helps me know how alive I am.
Too caring, too kind, heard that my whole life. I don't feel like WE should have to change just cause others take advantage of it. That always confused me so deeply.
I love this! And agree entirely, especially that sometimes you switch roles when needed. Reminds me of Kacey Musgraves song Giver/Taker on new album- so good! Love the Haiku ❤️
I've not heard the new song! I gotta listen now.
I am going to need to digest this for a while. I know it to be true. I would like to evaluate my relationships and determine my “role”. Thank you.
You're absolutely welcome. Let me know what you find!
I absolutely adored this one. 🥹 This concept is part of why I love this space so much. We are a bunch of people who actively choose to care more.
Side note, a sociology/criminology/psychology major is incredible.
You'er SO VERY RIGHT! We are all a group that chooses to be MORE for all those who think Less is ok. YES!
I am actually both depending on the time and place. For instance, I am settled in my home as wife and mother. I used to be the reacher to my husband, but when he came out as gay/asexual, I found myself kind of thrust into settler mode. I've always been the settler for my daughter. At work I am a reacher, giving to my customers to help them feel beautiful and special, and with my manager, seeking acceptance and appreciation. So I throw myself into my work with an open heart so that each task and customer is loved. Generally, I love and love love, but I see the settler in me. I'm not sure I like it, in theory. Power is not my thing. But here we are.
i guess I do not like the description of a settler and don't entirely see how that fits. But I guess, yeah, it stands. Even in my relationship with my boyfriend. Huh. Learn something new every day ...
Ahh yes, the oscillation back and forth of both! I think this is so true, and so often what we all are depending on who the relationship might be with. I love the dissection of this, thank you!
Ooof. This essay just reached into my gut. "I reach because it’s how I love." That is absolutely me. I am like you. I was born a reacher. Everything you said rings so true. And I agree that even with the dynamic, a relationship can be beautiful with both parts. The same way you can't have darkness without light. Thank you for sharing this.