This made my eyes water. 🥹 ‘We get destroyed just for trying to help.’ OOF. This is SO relatable to the empaths. I am proud of you both for working towards balance. I’m always working towards the same and it’s a forever journey. 🖤
My wife is a giant empath. I'm also, but on a slightly small scale. But I'm usually the one that overplays the card. CONSTANT boundary setting is a must. It's not cruel or uncarding, as it helps us so when it's the right time and thing, we can care for others. Balance, but stay empathetic. The world needs empaths.
I used to be like this. It was instinctive and easy although I was exhausted all the time. I did it because I thought it made me a good person. But more than that, I did it because I thought maybe someday someone would do it for me when I needed it. They didn't. They never have. It didn't make any of them love or care for me any more than before and I came to resent them for it. I can see now that I was trained to do this from an early age. Because no one else in my family wanted to solve problems. I learned to say no. To isolate. And sometimes I still go too far and do far too much to help others. Now I live a very isolated lifestyle and I'm not sure how to find a balance.
Wow Ellie, this is so true, and so heartbreaking a lesson we have to learn sometimes. We think someone will support us, too, but so often no one comes. I wish this was not the case, but my goodness, it is so very often.
I was just talking about a similar but somewhat different topic with a friend. We were talking about how we all show up differently. Each of us has different passions and strengths and how important that is.
I told her that I’ve always wanted to change the world one conversation at a time. And it feels so foreign to me that there are those in the world who can be a voice of and to the masses, being the loud one who makes heads turn and hearts change. That’s never felt like me. And yet I so deeply value those people, because I’m not one of them.
I think this applies on an individual level as well. We all have ways we love to show up for others and ways that drain us. I think the key is finding what those are and leaning into them. I never have the perfect thing to say when someone is hurting but I will listen and ask questions and just be with you. I have friends who know how to bring the perfect amount of levity and laughter to a dark situation. If I tried to make jokes when someone was hurting, I’d very much make a fool of myself.
I think so much of keeping ourselves away from the bomb is accepting that we are not the only defusers and we are specialists equipped only to handle what falls within the scope of our specialty. For all else, we can love and encourage and support, but we aren’t the experts and can’t expect ourselves to be.
I love how you put it, "we all show up differently." I think it gets so sad when people just refuse to show up, period, you know? We have so much learning to do, so much understanding of how to achieve a balance that lets us shine, without burning out. Thank you, for you.
It's not your job to be emotional dialysis. For anyone.
No one is going to advocate for you & your boundaries quite like you are. And, when you allow others to have such power to deplete you? You're actually showing them how to love & perceive you.
I say this, knowing full well that I have to push back mentoring a bunch of Year 10s on campus as my throat is currently cactus.
Learning that big effort requires big rest is so much easier in theory than in practise. But, it gets easier the more you do it.
5. Learning I’ve done what I could do and let go is a lesson I believe will be life long.
6. To just say no, without explanation, with tenderness, leaves no room for resentment to grow or judgment to be placed, so when I say yes I may do so wholeheartedly without reservation.
I like to think that I am empathetic when people need me… but it never seems to occur on such a scale that I am drained/ in the middle. It sounds like your connections are just that close. Wow. I actually can’t imagine being that involved in anyone’s life- not because I don’t want to be there for someone- but it’s a tribute to the two of you that you two have been such an indispensable support to so many people.
I have a life on the side. Separate from the chaos of my elderly Dad, teenager, husband and full time job, the things I do at church...the list goes on. While I love my life on the side, it is ticking ticking ticking. It's so stressful, I have gained more anxiety than I can take. Telling my comrades of this life is super difficult. But I did it. I cut the red wire. I had to. I am lighter. I am prioritizing me. It's a step. I hope not to stumble.
I am so sorry for the stress that ticks and ticks, and if we can ever help alleviate it, let us know. I am so glad you're feeling lighter now, so glad you're seeing light.
Oh! Your reply is sweet and heart warming! and Tyler and Lady G...you do alleviate it.every time I listen to you...seek out your words. Your gifts, your sharing a little piece of your peace...it brings me light and right now? We need to turn it up.our lights... because it's getting dark.
I have a life on the side. Separate from the chaos of my elderly Dad, teenager, husband and full time job, the things I do at church...the list goes on. While I love my life on the side, it is ticking ticking ticking. It's so stressful, I have gained more anxiety than I can take. Telling my comrades of this life is super difficult. But I did it. I cut the red wire. I had to. I am lighter. I am prioritizing me. It's a step. I hope not to stumble.
Thank you for this one; it made me emotional to read and I have been really mulling it over. I am and/or was -- an empath, a highly sensitive person, a first born, a high achiever, a perfectionist, a people pleaser. I used to give and give and give and get sucked into any sad or tragic thing for people in my life or near my circle and felt compelled to jump across that caution line and grab the wire cutters, too. The last few years, I've made some big strides in recognizing the people who really matter vs the ones that were using me, and I'm getting better at letting go of perfectionism and am working on dropping people pleasing habits. But as you know, it takes so much work to change a lifelong habit, so I am still working on not always getting sucked in. I need to get better at detached helping. Thank you for this list of actionable steps, I feel like they are useful and helpful. May we all work on getting our own oxygen masks on, especially in these trying times. No tank can run on fumes.
You're so very welcome. Always. I am so proud of your big strides in recognition. I know how hard that can be, truly. You're amazing, and I hope anything I write helps!
... and then there are those of us who clean up the debris after the explosion ... who put people back together.
I'm really good at this, but it is also exhausting because I end up giving others my strength. Yes, there are boundaries I create, but they are like a loose tooth hanging on by a thread. I then must regenerate in silence.
This made my eyes water. 🥹 ‘We get destroyed just for trying to help.’ OOF. This is SO relatable to the empaths. I am proud of you both for working towards balance. I’m always working towards the same and it’s a forever journey. 🖤
Ah, Mary.
Lookit you shine 💜
Apologies for the tears! I'm proud of YOU for journeying with us!
My wife is a giant empath. I'm also, but on a slightly small scale. But I'm usually the one that overplays the card. CONSTANT boundary setting is a must. It's not cruel or uncarding, as it helps us so when it's the right time and thing, we can care for others. Balance, but stay empathetic. The world needs empaths.
You're so right my friend, without the boundaries we dissolve too. THank you for this reminder, for this support.
So simple!!! BRAVO BRAVO!!!
:)
I used to be like this. It was instinctive and easy although I was exhausted all the time. I did it because I thought it made me a good person. But more than that, I did it because I thought maybe someday someone would do it for me when I needed it. They didn't. They never have. It didn't make any of them love or care for me any more than before and I came to resent them for it. I can see now that I was trained to do this from an early age. Because no one else in my family wanted to solve problems. I learned to say no. To isolate. And sometimes I still go too far and do far too much to help others. Now I live a very isolated lifestyle and I'm not sure how to find a balance.
Wow Ellie, this is so true, and so heartbreaking a lesson we have to learn sometimes. We think someone will support us, too, but so often no one comes. I wish this was not the case, but my goodness, it is so very often.
I was just talking about a similar but somewhat different topic with a friend. We were talking about how we all show up differently. Each of us has different passions and strengths and how important that is.
I told her that I’ve always wanted to change the world one conversation at a time. And it feels so foreign to me that there are those in the world who can be a voice of and to the masses, being the loud one who makes heads turn and hearts change. That’s never felt like me. And yet I so deeply value those people, because I’m not one of them.
I think this applies on an individual level as well. We all have ways we love to show up for others and ways that drain us. I think the key is finding what those are and leaning into them. I never have the perfect thing to say when someone is hurting but I will listen and ask questions and just be with you. I have friends who know how to bring the perfect amount of levity and laughter to a dark situation. If I tried to make jokes when someone was hurting, I’d very much make a fool of myself.
I think so much of keeping ourselves away from the bomb is accepting that we are not the only defusers and we are specialists equipped only to handle what falls within the scope of our specialty. For all else, we can love and encourage and support, but we aren’t the experts and can’t expect ourselves to be.
I love how you put it, "we all show up differently." I think it gets so sad when people just refuse to show up, period, you know? We have so much learning to do, so much understanding of how to achieve a balance that lets us shine, without burning out. Thank you, for you.
It's not your job to be emotional dialysis. For anyone.
No one is going to advocate for you & your boundaries quite like you are. And, when you allow others to have such power to deplete you? You're actually showing them how to love & perceive you.
I say this, knowing full well that I have to push back mentoring a bunch of Year 10s on campus as my throat is currently cactus.
Learning that big effort requires big rest is so much easier in theory than in practise. But, it gets easier the more you do it.
Ooof your first line hit like a freight train. Thank you.
Seeing your beautiful faces again…
let me not be a burden…let us stop destroying one another - even with the best intentions…
All love to you brother Tyler and lovely Sarah
NEVER are you a burden sir. :)
5. Learning I’ve done what I could do and let go is a lesson I believe will be life long.
6. To just say no, without explanation, with tenderness, leaves no room for resentment to grow or judgment to be placed, so when I say yes I may do so wholeheartedly without reservation.
I love these.
I like to think that I am empathetic when people need me… but it never seems to occur on such a scale that I am drained/ in the middle. It sounds like your connections are just that close. Wow. I actually can’t imagine being that involved in anyone’s life- not because I don’t want to be there for someone- but it’s a tribute to the two of you that you two have been such an indispensable support to so many people.
It's a wild thing, a draining thing, and while it can be an honor, it can also be a burden. All are true at the same time.
Mmm, a grand understanding, a hard realization, and a difficult part to transform. You two got this!
I love you. :)
I have a life on the side. Separate from the chaos of my elderly Dad, teenager, husband and full time job, the things I do at church...the list goes on. While I love my life on the side, it is ticking ticking ticking. It's so stressful, I have gained more anxiety than I can take. Telling my comrades of this life is super difficult. But I did it. I cut the red wire. I had to. I am lighter. I am prioritizing me. It's a step. I hope not to stumble.
I am so sorry for the stress that ticks and ticks, and if we can ever help alleviate it, let us know. I am so glad you're feeling lighter now, so glad you're seeing light.
Oh! Your reply is sweet and heart warming! and Tyler and Lady G...you do alleviate it.every time I listen to you...seek out your words. Your gifts, your sharing a little piece of your peace...it brings me light and right now? We need to turn it up.our lights... because it's getting dark.
I have a life on the side. Separate from the chaos of my elderly Dad, teenager, husband and full time job, the things I do at church...the list goes on. While I love my life on the side, it is ticking ticking ticking. It's so stressful, I have gained more anxiety than I can take. Telling my comrades of this life is super difficult. But I did it. I cut the red wire. I had to. I am lighter. I am prioritizing me. It's a step. I hope not to stumble.
HERE IS TO LIGHTNESS!
Thank you for this one; it made me emotional to read and I have been really mulling it over. I am and/or was -- an empath, a highly sensitive person, a first born, a high achiever, a perfectionist, a people pleaser. I used to give and give and give and get sucked into any sad or tragic thing for people in my life or near my circle and felt compelled to jump across that caution line and grab the wire cutters, too. The last few years, I've made some big strides in recognizing the people who really matter vs the ones that were using me, and I'm getting better at letting go of perfectionism and am working on dropping people pleasing habits. But as you know, it takes so much work to change a lifelong habit, so I am still working on not always getting sucked in. I need to get better at detached helping. Thank you for this list of actionable steps, I feel like they are useful and helpful. May we all work on getting our own oxygen masks on, especially in these trying times. No tank can run on fumes.
You're so very welcome. Always. I am so proud of your big strides in recognition. I know how hard that can be, truly. You're amazing, and I hope anything I write helps!
... and then there are those of us who clean up the debris after the explosion ... who put people back together.
I'm really good at this, but it is also exhausting because I end up giving others my strength. Yes, there are boundaries I create, but they are like a loose tooth hanging on by a thread. I then must regenerate in silence.