My life the past 2 years has been a constant series of gentle detachments. I have given so much of myself to make others happy and content. It was what I was taught as a young child to do, to be. Be the peacekeeper, do what every one asks without question, I'm not living to my full potential if I'm not giving 100% away to the people in my life, be the sacrifice. Over and over this was drilled into me. And as a consequence, it began to come easy and natural to me. I gave myself away, I made up personas to give away in hopes of getting a smidge of love in return. I never got any in return. I became blind and made myself a target to be taken advantage of. I finally crawled my way out of the dark depths of the shell I was left with. It was the hardest thing I've done and maintaining it will be just as difficult. But I can see now that I'm worth it. Worth being myself and maintaining boundaries even when my family and so called friends don't agree with new unwillingness to cater to them.
It seems such a common thread is that we're all told to be peacemakers, and that leads to such a trodden spirit. I think we need to start teaching balance to kids, to give and give, but to set boundaries when it's too much.
I have lost myself under the waves, I’ve admitted a thousand times. What I fear most is pulling others down in order to surface. I’d rather drown.
Thank you for this reminder to enjoy a swim in the midnight zone.
The pressure here is heavy. One must either be accustomed to it, or come with armor, either way, when breaking for the surface and seeing the light, we rise slowly, otherwise, all is lost.
Yup. This one stings. But I thank you for the eloquent explanation and kind reminder. It’s difficult for me to choose myself because I am so afraid to end up alone. But I can no longer just give endlessly of myself.
This place of gentle detachment can be a lonely one, but also necessary. I've been there, and occasionally wonder how that person is doing, hoping they are well and finding their way, wherever their journey has taken them. Over the years, my circle has gotten measurably smaller as I limit the negative influences and heal from my own traumas. It's important to carefully curate our lives, choosing who to allow as part of our story, and cultivate those who are the most important. That may or may not be family - sometimes it's family who needs to be held to the outside of our boundaries.
AH yes, the loneliness is absolutely there, so often. We find our circles shrinking too, but not in a sad way, in a way where those within it matter SO much, and those outside we can offer this gentle detachment. It's kind of beautiful.
The takeaway for me was this gem of a line…”The boundaries don’t just keep certain things out, they lock the good things in, they act as insulation and hold in the joy, the intimacy, the trust, and balance.” You just explained MY “why” to me! I’m good (?maybe too good) with drawing lines and maintaining boundaries. For the past year plus, I have been trying to be more conscious, and more aware, of doing this less…but it’s never felt right. And this is why. Boundaries are not always “bad”. I subconsciously and instinctively knew (and do still know) this, but you just brought it to a conscious and intentional level. Huh. Thanks Tyler. ❤️
This has also happened to my husband and I. At first it’s always hard when the dynamic of a friendship changes. I’ve come to realize that some people in my life are season people and some people are lifers. Instead of mourning what was I now look for the possibility of what will be. What does the loss now open up space for. It’s been a fine line to learn how to keep the love while distancing myself but it’s been good for my soul.
I like the term gentle detachment as a rule for life in general. I used to cringe at the word boundaries. I still don’t fully embrace it. It conjures an idea of limitation and I reject that. I’m an all in kind of person and see it as a strength. Not something to be contained or modified. It works for me to be so supremely open but the key here is not having expectations. When I give I give freely and know that it comes back to me, not necessarily materially, but universally in cementing the beauty of being here, together. Even if we are no longer walking the same path. Even from afar, I feel each and every soul I’ve interacted with. Sharing this thing we call Life. *nods to Prince. I’m quite sure he’s somewhere else now doing what he does…
I had a moment this morning, randomly remembering the scene from City of Angels where they’re all standing on the shore of a beach looking out, in silence. Peaceful, soft smiles. This is how I see us. Simple and profound, at the heart of it.
I did too! Always thought it was some weird over-kill, but oof, do I get the need for boundaries now. And you hit the absolute nail on the head with your final statement. Also that scene always makes me cry.
Oh wow... I knew when I read the title this week that it would be one I really needed to take the time to absorb. It's certainly a challenge all us empaths and helpers are familiar with... it's truly an honor to provide support when we can to those we love, but the strain of being the supporter can drain all of what makes us... us. I used to volunteer with a suicide prevention organization and would host a table at community events like Pride. People would come share their stories. Their lives. Their loved ones lost. Mostly, their heartache. I always felt immensely drained but honored that those individuals trusted their stories with a stranger that day. Now, I'm unable to do that while supporting those more immediately in my life. Thank you for the reminder that boundaries hold a place for my joy. "Healthy soil". Maybe a new mantra fir my meditation? Haha
Oooh, Healthy Soil as a meditation mantra. THIS is good! You're amazing, and the work you do and have done, So very needed. I hope you always find ways to find your own calm too.
Ah, TKG. The minor fall & the major lift of the broken hallelujah.
* boundaries & authenticity. I feel like you Queen Sarah are, like me, walking talking heartbeats. I've actually been really lucky to be surrounded by souls who get that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
* a dear friend of mine told me that I am the Polly Pocket & I get to decide what I let in (we are a little over 5ft.). let it wash over you & let it go. I've been doing this for a bit over a week now, and it's massively amazing for Self Care. I mean. Holiday Jo is here, and she didn't go to the gym (the Gymmie Dreamhouse) for two whole days. Given that my viking tribe is there, it is a big deal that we glory in.
Perhaps you can see yourselves as your own house & shieldmaiden for yourself.
With that said, would happily eviscerate anyone that came for you both. The community you have built with such tenderness & vulnerability is phenomenal.
You may be my Typewriter Tyler.
But now? Oh. What a universe & collections of stars reside Here.
Also, may be worth seeing what your personality type is. You can only go on what knowledge you have, right?
My life the past 2 years has been a constant series of gentle detachments. I have given so much of myself to make others happy and content. It was what I was taught as a young child to do, to be. Be the peacekeeper, do what every one asks without question, I'm not living to my full potential if I'm not giving 100% away to the people in my life, be the sacrifice. Over and over this was drilled into me. And as a consequence, it began to come easy and natural to me. I gave myself away, I made up personas to give away in hopes of getting a smidge of love in return. I never got any in return. I became blind and made myself a target to be taken advantage of. I finally crawled my way out of the dark depths of the shell I was left with. It was the hardest thing I've done and maintaining it will be just as difficult. But I can see now that I'm worth it. Worth being myself and maintaining boundaries even when my family and so called friends don't agree with new unwillingness to cater to them.
It seems such a common thread is that we're all told to be peacemakers, and that leads to such a trodden spirit. I think we need to start teaching balance to kids, to give and give, but to set boundaries when it's too much.
I have lost myself under the waves, I’ve admitted a thousand times. What I fear most is pulling others down in order to surface. I’d rather drown.
Thank you for this reminder to enjoy a swim in the midnight zone.
The pressure here is heavy. One must either be accustomed to it, or come with armor, either way, when breaking for the surface and seeing the light, we rise slowly, otherwise, all is lost.
Always swim, always alway swim. Life is more than staying afloat.
Yup. This one stings. But I thank you for the eloquent explanation and kind reminder. It’s difficult for me to choose myself because I am so afraid to end up alone. But I can no longer just give endlessly of myself.
I am sorry for the stinging, but I consider it the pouring of peroxide onto the open wound. Painful but cleansing. :)
This place of gentle detachment can be a lonely one, but also necessary. I've been there, and occasionally wonder how that person is doing, hoping they are well and finding their way, wherever their journey has taken them. Over the years, my circle has gotten measurably smaller as I limit the negative influences and heal from my own traumas. It's important to carefully curate our lives, choosing who to allow as part of our story, and cultivate those who are the most important. That may or may not be family - sometimes it's family who needs to be held to the outside of our boundaries.
AH yes, the loneliness is absolutely there, so often. We find our circles shrinking too, but not in a sad way, in a way where those within it matter SO much, and those outside we can offer this gentle detachment. It's kind of beautiful.
This is so beautifully written, thank you. My takeaway to walk with: "become the healthy soil". I spose that means manure and compost. So be it. : )
:) It always does. We gotta be a little shitty sometimes to help others grow hahaha.
it truly stinks sometimes, right? ; )
The takeaway for me was this gem of a line…”The boundaries don’t just keep certain things out, they lock the good things in, they act as insulation and hold in the joy, the intimacy, the trust, and balance.” You just explained MY “why” to me! I’m good (?maybe too good) with drawing lines and maintaining boundaries. For the past year plus, I have been trying to be more conscious, and more aware, of doing this less…but it’s never felt right. And this is why. Boundaries are not always “bad”. I subconsciously and instinctively knew (and do still know) this, but you just brought it to a conscious and intentional level. Huh. Thanks Tyler. ❤️
You're so very welcome, I am so happy this reached you in a place where you needed it. You're amazing.
This has also happened to my husband and I. At first it’s always hard when the dynamic of a friendship changes. I’ve come to realize that some people in my life are season people and some people are lifers. Instead of mourning what was I now look for the possibility of what will be. What does the loss now open up space for. It’s been a fine line to learn how to keep the love while distancing myself but it’s been good for my soul.
I'm sorry it happens to you too! Season people is such a beautiful way of putting this. So well said, thank you!
I like the term gentle detachment as a rule for life in general. I used to cringe at the word boundaries. I still don’t fully embrace it. It conjures an idea of limitation and I reject that. I’m an all in kind of person and see it as a strength. Not something to be contained or modified. It works for me to be so supremely open but the key here is not having expectations. When I give I give freely and know that it comes back to me, not necessarily materially, but universally in cementing the beauty of being here, together. Even if we are no longer walking the same path. Even from afar, I feel each and every soul I’ve interacted with. Sharing this thing we call Life. *nods to Prince. I’m quite sure he’s somewhere else now doing what he does…
I had a moment this morning, randomly remembering the scene from City of Angels where they’re all standing on the shore of a beach looking out, in silence. Peaceful, soft smiles. This is how I see us. Simple and profound, at the heart of it.
I did too! Always thought it was some weird over-kill, but oof, do I get the need for boundaries now. And you hit the absolute nail on the head with your final statement. Also that scene always makes me cry.
Oh wow... I knew when I read the title this week that it would be one I really needed to take the time to absorb. It's certainly a challenge all us empaths and helpers are familiar with... it's truly an honor to provide support when we can to those we love, but the strain of being the supporter can drain all of what makes us... us. I used to volunteer with a suicide prevention organization and would host a table at community events like Pride. People would come share their stories. Their lives. Their loved ones lost. Mostly, their heartache. I always felt immensely drained but honored that those individuals trusted their stories with a stranger that day. Now, I'm unable to do that while supporting those more immediately in my life. Thank you for the reminder that boundaries hold a place for my joy. "Healthy soil". Maybe a new mantra fir my meditation? Haha
Oooh, Healthy Soil as a meditation mantra. THIS is good! You're amazing, and the work you do and have done, So very needed. I hope you always find ways to find your own calm too.
Ah, TKG. The minor fall & the major lift of the broken hallelujah.
* boundaries & authenticity. I feel like you Queen Sarah are, like me, walking talking heartbeats. I've actually been really lucky to be surrounded by souls who get that you cannot pour from an empty cup.
* a dear friend of mine told me that I am the Polly Pocket & I get to decide what I let in (we are a little over 5ft.). let it wash over you & let it go. I've been doing this for a bit over a week now, and it's massively amazing for Self Care. I mean. Holiday Jo is here, and she didn't go to the gym (the Gymmie Dreamhouse) for two whole days. Given that my viking tribe is there, it is a big deal that we glory in.
Perhaps you can see yourselves as your own house & shieldmaiden for yourself.
With that said, would happily eviscerate anyone that came for you both. The community you have built with such tenderness & vulnerability is phenomenal.
You may be my Typewriter Tyler.
But now? Oh. What a universe & collections of stars reside Here.
Also, may be worth seeing what your personality type is. You can only go on what knowledge you have, right?
www.16personalities.com.
It was a brill tool when trying to aid... social cohesion as the Golden Girl of my team.
Hope all is good, and if not?
That light shines soon,
Jo x