*I want to offer a trigger warning at the start of this post, that I’m going to be discussing mental health, depression, suicide, and sadness. If you’re not in a spot to hear this, please feel free to skip this one, though I really hope you won’t, because in the end, it’s about hope, and it’s about finding light despite it all. Just wanted to offer that up, as I value you all so much. Onward, if you wish.*
Let no one lie to you of this again, let no one come offering snake oil and promise, instant remedy to the ennui that comes without warning, and stays like uninvited guest when the food has run low: Hoping, is hard.
Some come, call it choice, speak of positivity and reframing our lenses, adjusting our points of view, and say that it’s up to us how we see the life we live, how the troubles we face will play out. Nonsense. Life is hard, and the years we’ve come through are but icebergs floating in some frozen sea, for the truth is, below the surface of Covid and pandemics and political upheavals and war, are ten million billion other reasons why the whole of this life, this trip through an existence, is really god damn hard. We are all facing things, every single day we’re up against a planet quite literally trying to exterminate us from it, a lot of us in this space are living in a country that is not at all conducive to any kind of actual equality, so unless you’re born into a position of stress-free security, you wake, and just as I mentioned last week, are forced to hustle and grind in order to stay somewhere near the top, the foam art on the overpriced latte.
Hoping is hard. Hope, is hard. I know, from such heartbreaking experience I know, that giving in to despair can feel as easy as falling asleep, that there will come days where you’re so worn out and empty, you just want to rest and don’t really care when, or if, that rest is over. I have lost two friends in my life to suicide, and many more that were not close friends, but acquaintances, and every time it happens, it ruins me just a little bit more. I am angry, but I am understanding, I am heartbroken, but I am sympathetic. I know how hard life can be, I know how low we can sink and how much water there seems to be above us when we plummet towards that dark bottom, burdens anchored to us like concrete and rope. I know, I’ve been there, and it’s from this place that I say again, Hoping is hard, hope, is hard.
Believing, actual true and honest belief is a fight, a constant fight, and there is nothing harder on earth than staying on earth. I spill truths here, I always have, and so once again I will not lie to you and say that there’s one path forward, that things are always going to work out, that whatever is pulling you down now will miraculously let go and all will be well. What I will say, is that there is hope to be had, and this has nothing to do with toxic positivity or any bullshit about making a choice to ignore the hard things. This is about fighting, this is about hope being a battle against that falling asleep, that haze of despair. This is about making one choice, and one choice only: You’ll keep fighting. You’re not going to win them all, you’re not going to always come out on top, you’re not always going to have everything go your way or enjoy the smoothest seas, no, but sometimes, sometimes the winds will calm and the waves will quiet and all you’ll see is stars. Sometimes, you’ll hoist the trophy, instead of falling to your knees in defeat. Sometimes you’ll find light, in all that darkness. More than all things, Sometimes, there are those that will need you to fight for them, to be their light when they cannot find any, and this, this is why we fight.
Maybe there will be times where this is the only thing that keeps us going, the fight for someone else, the fight to be that light, and maybe that’s ok. Maybe it’s ok if there’s only on tiny lifeline, as long as there is a lifeline. Maybe instead of chasing perfection or that aforementioned toxic positivity, we should just be chasing one another, maybe instead of constantly trying to lift ourselves up, we should lift others, and let others lift us. I don’t know the answers to this thing, I just know that it’s hard, and I just know that it’s worth it. I also know that I am here, and willing to be that light for you, should yours start to dim. I know that I never again want to get the phone call that I’ve lost anyone else, and so that I’m in it for the fight, for myself, for anyone else that needs it.
I’ve had many people in my life wander in claiming to know the secrets to a happy life, claiming that if we pop on some happy music and just “snap out of it,” all will settle and we’ll miraculously be healed from our afflictions, be they mental, physical, or emotional. Sadly, all of these people I have seen fall deeper into their own problems, deeper into their own sadness, and I honestly believe it’s because of this false narrative they were even telling themself. That hoping is easy, that life can just *poof*change*poof* if we ask it to change. How intense the failure feels when we personalize it this way, when we blame ourselves for not being able to, or being strong enough, to choose something different than the sadness we are surrounded by. That we’re too weak to find hope, or some other such nonsense that ignores the truths I have found, and tried to lay out in this essay.
Now, when people come to me and suggest I try positivity, as gently as I can, I tell them to fuck off. Sometimes, things are hard, sometimes life sucks, sometimes we feel like there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s then we need someone to sit with us in the dark, and just tell us they’ll help us fight. That’s it, nothing more. That’s what I’m saying to you today, should you find yourself in that tunnel, I’m here, I’m beside you, and I’ll fight right by your side. If you’re not there, and light is all around you, if hope doesn’t feel like a battle right now, find someone that doesn’t agree, and instead of trying to fix them, trying to turn it around and offer some false promise, just tell them you’re there, always. Tell them Hope is a battle, and they won’t fight alone.
Hope is a battle,
against the falling asleep,
the haze of despair.
This is so beautiful. Totally agree. Thank you.
Thank YOU, for being here, for constantly showing up.
This hit me like a ton of bricks. It is not easy at all to keep waking up every day. Your words are one thing I have to look forward to.
Keep waking, keep coming here, keep fighting. We're all with you.
Although I don't comment I listen and consume every post thank you for that . This certainly hit home in my 66 years I've lost countless friends to suicide 2 of my husband's sisters , brother in law and my godaughter and several good friends. As I reflect trying to find a common denominator I cannot some were outgoing some quiet some athletic some artistic all heartfelt loving people. On a very personal note I've been in a dark place and if it wasn't for art I'm not sure how dark it would of become. My 2 daughters are both in the mental health field 1 an emergency mental health nurse and 1 a counselor . I hear countless stories of young men and women suffering it's heart wrenching sad beyond words.
My brother in law was found by my sister 10 years ago I went to elementary school with Gary loved him like a brother and still the wound is raw. Tyler life is hard and I think it's the hardest for people who strive to be loving . I feel people miss the love people have sometimes it's disguised because they are easily hurt . I am at peace with myself now I am different we all are . Tyler you have offered me such love and honesty through your posts and videos thank you so much 🥰
I see you Debra. I love what you say " I feel people miss the love people have sometimes it's disgused because they are easily hurt." That hits deep. Thank you for sharing that and your story. ♥️
SENDING LOVE ❤ WE ARE ALL CONNECTED 🥰
We see you Debra, we're here, and you're so right, life is hard for those who strive to be loving, but it's so much More worth it for them too. Thank you for being here, and for this bit of beautiful honesty.
Yes, to all of this. Being there for people in whatever form they need is so important. ♥️ I am starting to think the Sunday Edition is my favorite.
You're amazing. To be honest, it's by a landslide my favorite writing I'm allowed to do here, and this audience is the most profoundly beautiful. Thank you for you all.
This came at the exact moment I needed it. It feels like a sign. I have spent the last two weeks with my beautiful, radiant, extraordinary friend Anna on my mind, after hearing a song (Matt Costa’s Sunshine, which she put on every mix cd she made me in high school), and then having a picture of the two of us pop up on my Facebook memories three days ago. She took her life last year and it was so unexpected and earth shattering. I still wish I could’ve done something, known she had lost her hope. But even though I can’t change what happened to her, maybe I can be there for others in a way I wasn’t for her. Thank you, Tyler. Thank you.
Funny how the things we need the most, show up when we need them the most. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. So very sorry. Now, we just keep showing up for those who remain. Always.
Ridiculously beautiful. And so true.
You're so loved.
You’re so loved as well!
First off, that is a fabulous photo, shadow and light together, thank you. I have a friend who, when speaking of these times, said, "it's going to get worse and better at the same time". I have taken her wisdom as a survival strategy for this time in my life, when cumulative grief and chronic losses have landed me in a place of utter shock and brokenness. I have no control over what life hands me. Some days, I do have control over what I choose to look at and listen to. I am learning to listen to my body with honesty and tenderness and, one day at a time, find the balance between grieving/sitting in the dark - and letting the dark be dark, and turning towards the light, to look towards people like you who keep making beauty and connectedness out of hard things. Shadow and light together. Both are true. I am also asking myself, now, what hope is. I still don't know for sure. Maybe that if I keep showing up with honesty and making more room in my heart for both shadow and light, life will still surprise me with beauty sometimes. Maybe that we are all learning more about how to be good companions in darkness and light both. Thank you as always for the true inspiration of your words and images.
What stunning wisdom that is. I love this insight of Yours Jen, the need to truly listen to ourselves, our bodies, our hearts. This is such a wonderful comment and addition to this place. Thank you for that.
I love what you wrote- such wisdom!: “I am also asking myself, now, what hope is. I still don't know for sure. Maybe that if I keep showing up with honesty and making more room in my heart for both shadow and light, life will still surprise me with beauty sometimes. Maybe that we are all learning more about how to be good companions in darkness and light both.” Thank you for showing up with such honesty here.
Your words today were exactly what I needed to read. Life is always hard, but lately it has been piling on and yesterday I found it very hard to find hope. I tried yoga, and the teacher used this mantra: “Everything is as it should be.” But that just made me angry, because I thought, what if everything isn’t as it should be? This can’t possibly be how things “should” be. I much prefer your view that life is hard, and sometimes it’s a real struggle to keep fighting, but we have to find the reasons to keep fighting. Even when things are screwed up and we wonder if things will ever be “as they should be.” Thank you, as always, for your words, and honesty.
I get so annoyed when people throw their positivity on you like you have to catch it and carry it. Sometimes things are so damn hard and saying that's "how it should be" is shit. Utter shit. Life SHOULD be good, and it shouldn't hurt all the time. Anyone who says otherwise is lying, or selling something.
Thanks for this Tyler . I recently blew my knee out, literally blew out everything in my knee. Ended up having 3 operations to fix everything. It was a long recovery and I’m still not over it. It’s a year recovery. Anyway, usually I’m happy go lucky - but being bed ridden the first ten days threw me for a loop. I was not prepared and did not see it coming . The post op period had some dark days. I could not find the light - saw nothing to chase. I pulled through with the help of my Physical Therapist. Your words help, trust me. I kept a few poetry books on the nightstand and yours being among them . Honesty is good and I always appreciate you being direct. Keep on…
I am icing and elevating MY knee as I read your post. 3 repairs in one surgery, non weight bearing for 3 weeks. Going on week 6, just beginning to take steps without crutches. I've had some days where I just couldn't stop crying. Being down with long recovery is no small thing! Thanks for sharing, may your healing serve you well in the long 'run'. : )
Jen- thanks. Keep going. I’m 12 weeks from injury, 8 weeks from surgery. Using one crutch now, full weight bearing .my quad is still it firing, but I’m getting there. Yes, those tears are real.
No more PickleBall for me😉
This speaks to me probably the most from anything else you’ve written. I don’t know how many times hearing so piece of advice like hit the gym or take a walk has been given to me with dealing with my depression and PTSD. None of it works like people think it does. And it sure doesn’t work when you are eye balls deep in the dark murky water of it. You are looking to bob up just enough to take a damn breath as you keep treading water. Sorry that got negative quick lol 🤷🏼♀️ but I feel you and you are right.
Thank you for sitting with us when we're in the dark, Tyler. I'm so grateful for this community. This really resonated.
I'll always be there in the dark with you, always always always.
You are so damn spot-on. Thank you for this post and for this safe “place”.
The safest of places, I love it here. Thank you for you.
Thank you Tyler. As always you are so eloquent, so accurate and so human. This world needs more of people like you 💙
And more like YOU! :) Thank you so much.
So true!! Thank you for the complete honesty. I am truly sick of “just do this”, etc. 🙏💚
So great as always - JZ 🫶
BEAUTIFUL.
I didn’t hear this until today. I have never needed to find the words more. Thank you for your honesty Tyler. It has resonated with and armed me with the words I needed today. I shared this in hopes it finds others who need it just as much. Thank you.
Toxic positivity is so damaging. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It’s okay to be sad and angry and vulnerable and fragile and imperfect. It’s okay to find it hard to stay. Thank you for speaking out about this, Tyler, and giving us this space where we can be safely honest.