I remember the day I walked out, I remember it precisely and accurately, I remember the light in the church, I remember the words spoken, I remember getting in trouble for leaving mid-service. I remember it, because that moment was the culmination of a lot of years feeling like I didn’t quite fit into the religion that I was raised being a part of. I grew up Presbyterian, handed down from my father, who was handed it from his father before him. I had to go to Sunday School as a kid, and I know it sounds dramatic and hyperbolic to say this, but that hour and change felt like months each weekend. From a very early age I didn’t quite understand or connect with the lessons being taught at that Sunday School, I didn’t quite relate to the people doing the teaching. I counted the minutes until each Sunday morning came to an end, and rejoiced the moment I walked back out those doors into the mid-morning light. It all came to a triumphant end one day, when during the sermon, the pastor was telling the congregation that God spoke to him the night before, in a real God voice, and told him that he wanted his congregation to give, and give more than they have before, so that a new basketball court could be built. This declaration was followed up with some dramatic speaking in what appeared to be tongues, and even some shaking on the floor. In one immediate “Nope,” I rose, walked out of the sanctuary, and told my parents I would never be going back. I believe I was 11.
Now, this post, this story above, is not in any way a finger point, or a look down on, Presbyterianism or any organized religion at all. I want to reiterate that so everyone reading this, everywhere, understands, that I am supportive of and happy for anyone who believes anything, as long as those beliefs do not reduce anyone else based on their gender, age, race, or set of beliefs. If your God is kind, accepting, and open, I’m all for it. I hope you understand, that as always, this little Signal Fire is just me, shouting into the void, hoping to answer some questions, and hoping to get anyone reading it asking some in return. I have long believed, long long believed, when it comes to religion, or spirituality for those like me that do not follow what they believe to be a religion, we’re all saying the same things, always have been, we just don’t say them the same. We just don’t sound the same. This particular Signal Fire is explaining where I find god, where I feel most connected to the great big everything. If you find it in a church, I am so happy for you, if you find it in a temple, mosque, or brand new building, it’s all the same, if you find joy, I find it for you. Onward.
It’s storms for me, it’s the sea. It’s the tip top of mountains I drug my tired ass to the top of, it’s a deep breath below the whitewash and the waves of some ocean after I’ve fallen from some surfboard. It’s the lightning, the thunder, the dark shadow of grey that creeps across the surface of the ocean and promises tempest and shake. It’s the rainfall, it’s the soft snow in December, it’s the green of Ireland, the russet of Scotland, the turquoise of the Caribbean. Nature, is where I feel the beating, pulsing heart of ‘god,’ and it’s in the places of the most rugged and isolated beauty that I feel like I’m in the church I was born to be in. The tenets of what I believe, echo what one of my greatest heroes once said when asked about his religion, the Dalai Lama simply whispered: “My religion is kindness. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Your own brain, your own heart is your temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.”
I’ve long thought that god can mean 1000 things to 1000 different people, and I’ve always believed that it doesn’t matter, it truly doesn’t matter, as long as we’re all kind. I began following Buddhism after my Dad happened to bring me home a book when he was on a baseball trip to Saudi Arabia, a last minute grab out of his hotel room, and it changed my life. I associate as a Buddhist, as it is without doubt the philosophy I have followed longer than any other, and it’s what sings the truest songs in my own heart and soul. Am I a perfect Buddhist? No, my goodness no, far from it. I stray from just about every single aspect from time to time, forgetting to be as compassionate as I should be, forgetting the patience, the understanding, and the intentional distancing from anger, I do this because I am human. I call myself Buddhist because I keep trying, I keep pushing, I keep returning myself to those foundations as much as I possibly can, as often as I possibly can. I meditate in a million ways, focusing on the breathing, on the gentle washing of thoughts as I try not to empty my mind, but to find stillness in the thoughts that will inevitably come. What I’ve noticed, what brings me back to not only the haiku that ends this post but also inspired it, is that when I feel the most spiritually connected, when I feel like the best Buddhist, the best version of myself, is when I am in that rainfall, when I am watching a storm form over some distant sea, when I am surrounded by green on green on green that spreads over all things, and eventually will overtake everything we’ve built here.
God for me, is in that rainfall, and it’s this earth and all of you who live upon it that I will worship. This is what I know, this is what I felt that morning I walked out of the Presbyterian church in my hometown, this is what I feel to this day. It’s you, it’s this magical place, it’s kindness. It’s always been kindness.
God in the rainfall,
in storms building over sea,
in the green that spreads.
I remember attending a church service when I was visiting one of my devoutly Christian relatives, the minister talked about a young member of the congregation who had recently died at only five years old, and he had had cerebral palsy, and that God’s purpose for him was to make us feel grateful for what we had. I was sickened by the thought of a god that would cause a child pain and suffering just so I would appreciate I could walk.
Ooof. Yeah, I remember quite a few times feeling similar things. This is such an issue with a lot of it. Thank you for this.
❤️🔥 Yes ❤️🔥
:) I love ya.
Right back at cha 😎
I'm so with you on the crisis of faith as a thoughtful child. Raised Catholic, it took about five minutes in confirmation class for my critical thinking and constant queries to frustrate the nun teaching our class to the point of sending me to the priest. I then frustrated him. But what they had no appreciation for was how desperately I wanted them to give me some answer that made it all make sense. But it didn't, and the double speak and hypocrisy were more than my thirteen year old self could handle. I knew then that my answers would never come from a holy book or a church. I had to look elsewhere. From that point, I became spiritually curious and explored multiple faiths. In my experience, there's both truth and dogma in all of them.... it's the dogma, the soul slavery, that always rings false. So the best I can say in terms of definition, nearly thirty years later is that I'm a deeply spiritual person, a hungry soul with a body, I resonate with both Christ energy AND the Magdeline, (now that I understand what was done to her legacy). I appreciate Buddha, I resonate with the creation and destruction of Kali, I am inspired by the sovereign presence of Athena, the maternal fire of Hestia/Vesta, and my inner Wonder Woman is always ready for social justice. Since I was a child, I always knew that God wasn't a man father God who left us to grovel....but a God/dess Creator who is all around and throughout the world if we look...and more, if we feel. All things considered, I'm certain that in other historical periods they'd most likely burn me as a witch...but I stand at the corner of past lives in many spiritual traditions and I've spent the last decade remembering who I am from previous incarnations. So....like you, my spiritual journey has been an important part of answering the question "Who am I?" in the context of the world. Like you, whatever I am, I hope to be kind. I hope to be love, I hope to be growth, and I hope the world is made better because I'm here in service to the greater good. As I live in the world, that matters the most to the people around me.
Melyssa, this is so insightful and wonderful. Thank you for this bit of honesty. You're wonderful, I hope ya know.
Thank you 🙏
Am I a perfect Catholic? Like you, with Buddhism, oh no. Having been born a Lutheran and choosing to convert to Catholicism later in life, after having a major crisis of faith (and life!), I still find God most present in nature. But there are times I find it in the church building, too. God is often encountered in unexpected places and people. “He” is definitely in the rainfall.
WHEREVER you find it, I am so glad that you do. :)
Another proof that you and I are kindred spirits, Tyler!
I will always remember the first time I recognized this feeling,….I was 16, living in Montana. I woke early on a Sunday morning due to the call of nature, on my way back to my bedroom walking through the living room with a huge picture window. As I walked only half awake across, I was jolted by a piercing stream of sunlight coming through the window. The sunrise had just broke over Kasanka peak and I was suddenly awake and riveted. I had seen nature in some of its finest forms but this just shook me. Suddenly the mountains were sacred and sunlight was the hand of the divine itself. Every since I have held that same Dalami Lama quote close to my heart. Even now, with religious beliefs very different I always feel a sense of sacredness and holiness in the communion with nature.
Ahh, kindred spirits are the best kind. This is such a beautiful bit of memory. Thank you for sharing it with us all...we are so lucky.
My feelings exactly. 💚
YES.
How can you not feel like you are in the presence of creation and spirit, standing in the natural places on this gorgeous planet, feeling its age and wisdom? I believe life is a search for balance, and nature is the best place for me to balance my spirit. Thank you Tyler, for once again so eloquently and beautifully expressing what so many of us feel. I am so very glad I stumbled across you all those years ago. Stay rad.
Kit you summed this up so perfectly. The balance...the search for balance. I am so glad you found your way here, you warm this whole damn place up.
Ok I had to scroll back through the logs after hearing this one this morning because it reminded me of something I wrote many years ago that I thought rang true to your words as well:
I've always said that religions are like shoes; they come in all shapes, colours and sizes but at the end of the day, they all have the same purpose: Protecting our soles.
And even those that don't have shoes, well, their feet just adapt; their soles get harder and they are able to get by with no shoes at all because their own bodies have provided the same protection.
We always want to shoe the shoeless instead of appreciating just how strong their soles already are all on their own.
Maybe if we all just took off our shoes, we too could learn to strengthen our soles and walk that much closer to the earth.