I had the chance to hang out with Scott a few years before he passed. We spent time together before a show in Portrush, he was genuinely one of the nicest people I've ever met. I absolutely loved this episode—it's pure gold.
Ahh Paul, I am so envious of this time you got with Scott. He's long been an inspiration, and he's so very missed. As for pure gold, look who is talking brother. You're magic my friend. In every way.
You & Sarah have lived your mantra well. I’m grateful to be in the orbit of your kindness. PS you should make this haiku a print sometime. I’d love to buy it! 🖤
Grateful to be in your world… Someone asked me recently, if one gave all their money away before they died, what would they become? My answer was… “worthy”. This is not a moral, but a historical note about changing our own world a little bit thru kindness. The New Testament was originally written in Greek, although some parts were originally expressed in Hebrew or Aramaic. The Greek word "agape" is seen over 100 times throughout the New Testament, so it is a very common and intentional sentiment there. Agape is one of four types of “love” found in the Greek culture; Agape ( selfless, simply to be kind), Storge, (family) Philia, (friends and equals) and Eros (physical attraction). A full life is to be able to know them all.
But how can one love like Agape, and not expect to be loved in return? Agape is a higher level of affection, and the only way to realize the beauty of its nature is to free of the mind of past conceits of love. Agape is liberating to the mind. To not worry about what anyone else is doing and focus on what you can do, is to feel Agape, and the freedom it brings to the soul. A freedom like walking naked in the backyard, but hopefully with more intent. With Agape, there is nothing to receive in return. The simplest way to explain it is to “plant a tree under which you never expect to sit.” Like many others, as I have aged, my plan and expectations for life have changed. I have done things as an adult of whose effects I cared little in order to gain things I desired. Thankfully, my world is not about the results now, and more about the “doing”. Destinations have become less a place, or achievement, even a person, but more on how I get there. And because I have been forced to recognize mortality, I don’t live in fear as much as refuse to make life meaningless … such that living with and thru others sort has become its own justification…even a destination. I learned happiness is not required to show gratitude and kindness, and yet the later contribute as much or more to a meaningful life. My grandmother used to say to us “I love on you”, and now I know why. This, it is only natural to me that I feel destined to be… focused on gratitude and giving.
Kevin, I feel the same of you my friend. Your answer is so perfectly simple, so elegantly accurate. Worthy indeed. Thank you for all this insight, it's always so welcome, and so very much appreciated.
All this…perfection and an absolute, “Yes!” I think kindness always comes from the tenderness of our hearts, rather than the perceptions of our mind. I would add only this to your beautiful list: smile. A smile goes so far to break the ice, ease tension, create spaciousness for mutuality to blossom, and to warm hearts. A smile feels like the bridge between hearts. ❤️
BTW, I’ve missed the Friday videos this summer…seeing you beauties in action. Sending all my love! 😘
I’m working on talking to strangers more as a way to build community. I’ve had conversations at length with friends and family about how conveniences of technology have led us to isolate ourselves. So I try and talk to strangers. It’s difficult and very awkward. And as someone who was raised to be cautious of people I don’t know, it can be scary. But I think when you can be acknowledged by a stranger, it can sometimes mean more than being acknowledged by those who know you. Because the stranger had no obligation to see you and seek you out. And so that’s my goal. Give a compliment, say hello, answer a question that they ask aloud. Nothing life changing has come from it, but I’d like to think I’m planting little seeds of goodness every time I do it.
That’s so cool! Yes, awkward is a good description, but such an contact can have wonderfully positive consequences. I have heard many time about how positive compliments from strangers saved people from harming themselves. Even not so dramatic how just saying hello can change the way someone’s day is going. Niceness is intentioned, but kindness is acted.
I love this Tori, as I also know how tough that can be to do. Well, well done. I've learned, people are mostly great, and just want to be understood. Opening doors for this, is a magical thing.
You're so correct that niceness and kindness are not at all the same. It's why when people have described me as "nice" it feels like such an arrow to the knee (IYKYK) -- because I am not striving to be nice, I instead yearn and lean into being kind, rooted in love -- and to be called "nice" feels as though I am so fundamentally misunderstood and unseen.
I'm grateful for this community that understands that difference as well. <3
I’m sorry if I’m missing something, but I'm not sure I understand where I said I expected to be receiving gold stars or even validation.
I should clarify that the people that I have connected with deeply know the distinction that I hold. I’ve curated people in my life carefully and we talk about those things. I definitely feel seen and supported by the people I have around me now, including this community.
However, in this case I was specifically speaking to an experience I have had with people who showed in other ways how little they cared to know me or see me, whereupon this was simply another way they showed it. It’s not me holding them to some higher standard that they don’t know about, it’s about patterns of behaviour (and in one case specifically using words to hurt after I’ve expressed the distinction I hold)
Ah. That doesn't fly in Oz - we call that a "yeah, nah."
(Yes, I see you for who you are; nah, m8. You gotta go).
Sorry. We're a laconic bunch who have no time for bad actors. I guess living in a space that everyone thinks may kill you, or swallow you whole leads for a hardy bunch who often say alot with sparse words.
It sucks that you had folk in your atmosphere who had good faces for radio (a local jest for those who aren't camera ready).
I like your distinction between niceness and kindness- never thought of it that way- that kindness suggests depth and true compassion that niceness does not, necessarily. I do find such a difference when I ‘slow down’ as you suggest- to let someone into traffic, to spend another moment talking to someone rather than always be in a hurry -I feel like a better, more responsive human. ‘Assuming the best’ is very hard at times- not such a tiny change-one has to ‘slow down’ again to take the time to consider another perspective. I think you have to train your brain to do this rather than leap to conclusions. What I would add- kind of goes with assuming the best- admitting you are wrong when you have not assumed correctly.
Living a life built on a string of glimmers? Knowing that my best has to look different every day?
What a doozy.
Because being raw & messy & human?
How I earn my chair & tried my best is gonna be an ebb & flow.
Those are the lessons.
And, the gift.
Walking the talk & learning to live with a life built on Glimmer Treats? Really hard. Especially when you are shaking off the mantel of being the safest pair of hands.
Love this essay so much, Tyler. Kindness is my absolute most core value. I'm distressed by the lack of kindness in our world these days. I'm so grateful for it when I see it (not just when people are kind to me but when I see others being kind to each other) and I feel rooted in my true self when I'm speaking, acting, thinking with kindness.
Something I'd add to your list; watch how someone shows love and kindness, because quite often, that's how they best receive the same. ie) when I'm being vulnerable, does a person offer supportive words offer solutions? I'm willing to bet what their default response is, is what they like to receive when they are in my shoes.
ie) I have a friend who brings me flowers for a hostess gift every time I host a party, she brought me a rose bush for my yard as a housewarming, she gets me flowers for my birthday. So when she's having a hard time, I send her flowers.
ie) for the friends who communicate through sending memes, I do so on their preferred social media app. The texting friends, I text. You wanna chat on the phone? I'll sit on the porch and call you for a chat. You like Telegram instead of WhatsApp? No problem, I'll reach out to you there.
ie) the friend who is always telling me, with anime eyes, about the delicious new brunch place she's tried -- I'll find a new-to-her and delicious brunch spot and that's where we'll go for her bday.
Not saying that my own default ways of showing love aren't enough or that I can never default to them. Not saying that this formula is always correct. Not saying that people are not receptive to anything else.
But I find, if I want to really connect with someone, I offer them love and kindness in the way/a similar way to how they show ME love and kindness, it lands REALLY really well.
I too get bogged down with that feeling of distress, and so I just try to put even more out when I feel it. It's all I can do. I love everything you said here, and am so thankful for the value you just constantly add.
Thank you for sharing this, “But I find, if I want to really connect with someone, I offer them love and kindness in the way/a similar way to how they show ME love and kindness, it lands REALLY really well.” This just opened my eyes to the friends, family, coworkers, and strangers in my orbit. I have a hard time processing how some people show me love and can lean into how you reciprocated for your people. Personally, I just like to be near the people I love, sometimes not needing to talk and just be with their energy to feel love, which I don’t think is everyone’s easy option of a “love language” I just want to hang around you. I am going to keep this in mind this week and see how it goes.
I'm honoured that it touched you the way it did! I hope it brings more joy and connection into your life. 💖 And I hope that others lean into your love language as well, so you feel loved in the way you want to receive it.
I was on a family vacation this past week so catching up on all things signal fire. This essay was a great way to recenter myself before going back to work tomorrow and reflect on the past weeks moments. Tyler, to echo what a lot of people have already commented, and judging by the amount of comments, this essay was rich with gems. I hope you are able to share this out on all platforms with the rest of the world in it’s whole or cut up gems because I think it will be just as well received.
I had the chance to hang out with Scott a few years before he passed. We spent time together before a show in Portrush, he was genuinely one of the nicest people I've ever met. I absolutely loved this episode—it's pure gold.
Ahh Paul, I am so envious of this time you got with Scott. He's long been an inspiration, and he's so very missed. As for pure gold, look who is talking brother. You're magic my friend. In every way.
Thank you so much buddy that Is very kind 🙂
I love this, and you, so much 🥰
Hey, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THAT EVEN AND THEN MORE ON TOP OF THAT!
You & Sarah have lived your mantra well. I’m grateful to be in the orbit of your kindness. PS you should make this haiku a print sometime. I’d love to buy it! 🖤
Hey, August Pal.
I'm a bit lucky to float in your atmosphere, too.
Lady G & TKG have a knack for being a safe harbour 💜
You are such a delightful human. I’m glad to know you. 🫶
Sending all the 13s & non creepo behind-the-mall adventures your way x
Harbor in the tempest. Welcome home.
Thank you so much for your kindness. You're very much in the orbit, a planet in this beautiful solar system. And I can absolutely do that for you!
Grateful to be in your world… Someone asked me recently, if one gave all their money away before they died, what would they become? My answer was… “worthy”. This is not a moral, but a historical note about changing our own world a little bit thru kindness. The New Testament was originally written in Greek, although some parts were originally expressed in Hebrew or Aramaic. The Greek word "agape" is seen over 100 times throughout the New Testament, so it is a very common and intentional sentiment there. Agape is one of four types of “love” found in the Greek culture; Agape ( selfless, simply to be kind), Storge, (family) Philia, (friends and equals) and Eros (physical attraction). A full life is to be able to know them all.
But how can one love like Agape, and not expect to be loved in return? Agape is a higher level of affection, and the only way to realize the beauty of its nature is to free of the mind of past conceits of love. Agape is liberating to the mind. To not worry about what anyone else is doing and focus on what you can do, is to feel Agape, and the freedom it brings to the soul. A freedom like walking naked in the backyard, but hopefully with more intent. With Agape, there is nothing to receive in return. The simplest way to explain it is to “plant a tree under which you never expect to sit.” Like many others, as I have aged, my plan and expectations for life have changed. I have done things as an adult of whose effects I cared little in order to gain things I desired. Thankfully, my world is not about the results now, and more about the “doing”. Destinations have become less a place, or achievement, even a person, but more on how I get there. And because I have been forced to recognize mortality, I don’t live in fear as much as refuse to make life meaningless … such that living with and thru others sort has become its own justification…even a destination. I learned happiness is not required to show gratitude and kindness, and yet the later contribute as much or more to a meaningful life. My grandmother used to say to us “I love on you”, and now I know why. This, it is only natural to me that I feel destined to be… focused on gratitude and giving.
Kevin, I feel the same of you my friend. Your answer is so perfectly simple, so elegantly accurate. Worthy indeed. Thank you for all this insight, it's always so welcome, and so very much appreciated.
All this…perfection and an absolute, “Yes!” I think kindness always comes from the tenderness of our hearts, rather than the perceptions of our mind. I would add only this to your beautiful list: smile. A smile goes so far to break the ice, ease tension, create spaciousness for mutuality to blossom, and to warm hearts. A smile feels like the bridge between hearts. ❤️
BTW, I’ve missed the Friday videos this summer…seeing you beauties in action. Sending all my love! 😘
:) YES, tenderness of heart. Oof. And I love your addition to the list. Consider it officially added.
I’m working on talking to strangers more as a way to build community. I’ve had conversations at length with friends and family about how conveniences of technology have led us to isolate ourselves. So I try and talk to strangers. It’s difficult and very awkward. And as someone who was raised to be cautious of people I don’t know, it can be scary. But I think when you can be acknowledged by a stranger, it can sometimes mean more than being acknowledged by those who know you. Because the stranger had no obligation to see you and seek you out. And so that’s my goal. Give a compliment, say hello, answer a question that they ask aloud. Nothing life changing has come from it, but I’d like to think I’m planting little seeds of goodness every time I do it.
That’s so cool! Yes, awkward is a good description, but such an contact can have wonderfully positive consequences. I have heard many time about how positive compliments from strangers saved people from harming themselves. Even not so dramatic how just saying hello can change the way someone’s day is going. Niceness is intentioned, but kindness is acted.
Oh, Kevin. Maybe, like love?
Kindness is a verb.
I love this Tori, as I also know how tough that can be to do. Well, well done. I've learned, people are mostly great, and just want to be understood. Opening doors for this, is a magical thing.
You're so correct that niceness and kindness are not at all the same. It's why when people have described me as "nice" it feels like such an arrow to the knee (IYKYK) -- because I am not striving to be nice, I instead yearn and lean into being kind, rooted in love -- and to be called "nice" feels as though I am so fundamentally misunderstood and unseen.
I'm grateful for this community that understands that difference as well. <3
If you're seeking validation & gold stars for a distinction they know not of?
You will always feel exhausted & unseen.
Which is unfair to them, just as unkind as it is to you.
I’m sorry if I’m missing something, but I'm not sure I understand where I said I expected to be receiving gold stars or even validation.
I should clarify that the people that I have connected with deeply know the distinction that I hold. I’ve curated people in my life carefully and we talk about those things. I definitely feel seen and supported by the people I have around me now, including this community.
However, in this case I was specifically speaking to an experience I have had with people who showed in other ways how little they cared to know me or see me, whereupon this was simply another way they showed it. It’s not me holding them to some higher standard that they don’t know about, it’s about patterns of behaviour (and in one case specifically using words to hurt after I’ve expressed the distinction I hold)
Ah. That doesn't fly in Oz - we call that a "yeah, nah."
(Yes, I see you for who you are; nah, m8. You gotta go).
Sorry. We're a laconic bunch who have no time for bad actors. I guess living in a space that everyone thinks may kill you, or swallow you whole leads for a hardy bunch who often say alot with sparse words.
It sucks that you had folk in your atmosphere who had good faces for radio (a local jest for those who aren't camera ready).
No need for clarification, all you said was said perfectly, and misunderstanding not your fault :) You're amazing.
I LOVE that you're striving for Kind. Aim there, all the rest will work out.
❤️ VOTE FOR TYLER, 2024 ❤️
#redcapTKG
🙌🏼
Oh man, what would I even run for? hahaha
I like your distinction between niceness and kindness- never thought of it that way- that kindness suggests depth and true compassion that niceness does not, necessarily. I do find such a difference when I ‘slow down’ as you suggest- to let someone into traffic, to spend another moment talking to someone rather than always be in a hurry -I feel like a better, more responsive human. ‘Assuming the best’ is very hard at times- not such a tiny change-one has to ‘slow down’ again to take the time to consider another perspective. I think you have to train your brain to do this rather than leap to conclusions. What I would add- kind of goes with assuming the best- admitting you are wrong when you have not assumed correctly.
I'm so glad my distinction was understood and taken as I hoped! Phew.
Also, I Love what you added. Well said.
As someone who is hypersensitive (cognitive & emotionally), and hyperflexible?
Science & the fledgling papers out there help: https://hsperson.com/research/
Living a life built on a string of glimmers? Knowing that my best has to look different every day?
What a doozy.
Because being raw & messy & human?
How I earn my chair & tried my best is gonna be an ebb & flow.
Those are the lessons.
And, the gift.
Walking the talk & learning to live with a life built on Glimmer Treats? Really hard. Especially when you are shaking off the mantel of being the safest pair of hands.
Being safe to & for myself first?
That's where the grace & kindness resides.
TKG. This is my favourite.
Thank you.
Wow I love this. Thank you, what beautiful writing, words, thoughts, kindnesses you have given us here. And that photo. So beautiful. Big gratitude.
Big love right back to you for this one. Thanks for always being here.
Love this essay so much, Tyler. Kindness is my absolute most core value. I'm distressed by the lack of kindness in our world these days. I'm so grateful for it when I see it (not just when people are kind to me but when I see others being kind to each other) and I feel rooted in my true self when I'm speaking, acting, thinking with kindness.
Something I'd add to your list; watch how someone shows love and kindness, because quite often, that's how they best receive the same. ie) when I'm being vulnerable, does a person offer supportive words offer solutions? I'm willing to bet what their default response is, is what they like to receive when they are in my shoes.
ie) I have a friend who brings me flowers for a hostess gift every time I host a party, she brought me a rose bush for my yard as a housewarming, she gets me flowers for my birthday. So when she's having a hard time, I send her flowers.
ie) for the friends who communicate through sending memes, I do so on their preferred social media app. The texting friends, I text. You wanna chat on the phone? I'll sit on the porch and call you for a chat. You like Telegram instead of WhatsApp? No problem, I'll reach out to you there.
ie) the friend who is always telling me, with anime eyes, about the delicious new brunch place she's tried -- I'll find a new-to-her and delicious brunch spot and that's where we'll go for her bday.
Not saying that my own default ways of showing love aren't enough or that I can never default to them. Not saying that this formula is always correct. Not saying that people are not receptive to anything else.
But I find, if I want to really connect with someone, I offer them love and kindness in the way/a similar way to how they show ME love and kindness, it lands REALLY really well.
I too get bogged down with that feeling of distress, and so I just try to put even more out when I feel it. It's all I can do. I love everything you said here, and am so thankful for the value you just constantly add.
It's easy to share thoughts like this when you've created such a welcome, safe, inspiring place to do so!
Thank you for sharing this, “But I find, if I want to really connect with someone, I offer them love and kindness in the way/a similar way to how they show ME love and kindness, it lands REALLY really well.” This just opened my eyes to the friends, family, coworkers, and strangers in my orbit. I have a hard time processing how some people show me love and can lean into how you reciprocated for your people. Personally, I just like to be near the people I love, sometimes not needing to talk and just be with their energy to feel love, which I don’t think is everyone’s easy option of a “love language” I just want to hang around you. I am going to keep this in mind this week and see how it goes.
I'm honoured that it touched you the way it did! I hope it brings more joy and connection into your life. 💖 And I hope that others lean into your love language as well, so you feel loved in the way you want to receive it.
I was on a family vacation this past week so catching up on all things signal fire. This essay was a great way to recenter myself before going back to work tomorrow and reflect on the past weeks moments. Tyler, to echo what a lot of people have already commented, and judging by the amount of comments, this essay was rich with gems. I hope you are able to share this out on all platforms with the rest of the world in it’s whole or cut up gems because I think it will be just as well received.